The Election of 1883 was one of the most contentious and controversial in American history, with candidates Jefferson Quincy and Monroe Chester each emerging from relative political obscurity to seek the highest office in the land.
Quincy and Chester took to America’s railroads, riverboats, and unsafe early attempts at flying machines to spread their respective political agendas. It was all for naught, however, as 1883’s Election Day also fell on the now defunct holiday known as National Stay in Your House to Hide from Wild Animals Day. Zero votes were cast,
and as such, the election was postponed until the next year’s Election Day—by which point both candidates had quit politics forever to open competing animal-husbandry farms.
In honor of this election season, Groupon has reached out to the estates of Jefferson Quincy and Monroe Chester to determine an outcome that our ancestors could not! Check out our deals endorsed by the candidates’ estates and cast a vote for your candidate by purchasing a deal with his campaign button on it!
Jefferson Quincy was born on a farm, as was befitting to future politicians; however, once the birthing process was complete, he and his family moved back into their Manhattan penthouse. He attended Everton Prep, where he excelled in the school's talking program and was captain of the smashing team. After college at Balefullfordhamington, he became a lobbyman and a robber baron before running to be chief man of American lands.
Monroe Chester: Outside of his appearance (stout), his stature (domineering), and his demeanor (aggressive), nothing is known about Mr. Chester, as he never spoke in public and there were no records of him existing before the election year. He wore a hat.
Previous Political Experience
Stance on Money
Stance on Trees
Notable Campaign Promise
Notable Campaign Gaffe
Son of a man who shot a senator in a duel
Should be cut down and replaced by factories
"Every man a king, and every dog in pants"
Fill the Grand Canyon with fire by 1885
Fistfight with a statue
First word as a baby was "poppycock," was immediately groomed for politics
Should be cut down and replaced by large factories
"America: One of My Favorite Countries"
Win the age-old battle against the North Atlantic War whale
Threatening to invade Pennsylvania