If the shortest distance between two points is a straight line, then disheveled hair provides the least efficient route for climbing monkeys to reach the bananas in your fruit hat. Tame tresses for easy scaling with today's Groupon: for $99, you get a Global Keratin treatment at Dolce' Vita Salon & Spa in Wexford (a $250 value).
Similar to the system used to prepare a Snickers bar for interstellar travel, a Global Keratin treatment coats each shaft of hair in a nutrient-rich layer of protective protein goodness, eliminating frizz, grounding flyaways, and smoothing cuticles without the use of harsh chemicals. After restoring the keratin to vitality-sapped follicles, one of Dolce' Vita's experienced coiffurists then blow-dries and styles each customers' newly radiant locks, locking in the newfound sleekness and keeping it from taking up residence in a satin baby blanket. Treated hair soon regains strength and resiliency so that it can be washed, dried, and gilded without dulling damage, cutting down styling time and product demands in the process. The freshly frizz-free ruffs maintain their brilliance for up to five months, though customers should refrain from washing hair for at least 48 hours to allow strands to become properly acquainted with their new proteins.
Groupon Says
The Groupon Guide to: Karate Belts
Karate champions know that supreme mastery of the lethal art is dictated by meditation, nonviolence, and self-control. Because of this irony, all humans start as karate masters and become depreciably poorer at karate with each lesson they take. Here's a guide to punching and kicking your way through the different color-coordinated levels of karate:
- White Belt: Meant to blend seamlessly into your karategi (Japanese for combat pajamas), the white belt symbolizes that you are worried people will laugh if they find out your underdeveloped stomach muscles cannot hold up pants.
- Yellow Belt: The yellow belt is a portmanteau, indicating that you have mastered the first two karate skills—yelling and bellowing.
- Green Belt: This indicates that you have learned how to crush your opponent—so long as it's an aluminum can being rinsed and sorted for the recycling! Well done, Eco-Warrior!
- Purple Belt: You have mastered the deadly art of your own imagination. Dazzle and confuse the enemy with crude pastel drawings in which both your heads share a single body.
- Black Belt: The pupil has become the master, or, to put it in Western terms, the student has beaten up the teacher.
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