Filmmaker Jean-Luc Godard once said, "The cinema is truth at 24 frames per second," making slow-mo sports replays and sped-up Benny Hill gags nothing but cruel, cruel lies. Get the real deal with today's Groupon: for $9, you get two tickets to a horror film and one large soda (up to a $19 value) at The Oaks Theater in Oakmont. Choose from the following films and screenings:
Amityville Horror
- October 21 at 10 p.m.
- October 22 at 9 p.m.
The Dead
- October 7 at 10 p.m.
- October 8 at midnight
Halloween 4
- October 28 at 10 p.m.
- October 29 at midnight
Let the Right One In
- September 30 at 10 p.m.
- October 1 at midnight
Lost Skeleton of Cadavre
- October 28 at 8 p.m.
- October 29 at 10 p.m.
The Rocky Horror Picture Show
- October 22 at midnight
The Silence of the Lambs
- October 14 at 10 p.m.
- October 15 at midnight
Showing a blend of current and classic cinematic entertainment, The Oaks Theater has remained Oakmont's only for-profit single-screen movie theater since its opening night in November 1938. The Junior Chamber of Commerce Players accompany a midnight screening of The Rocky Horror Picture Show, dancing, singing, and assembling popcorn monuments to the unfolding onscreen action. Seven feature-length films entice adrenal glands, letting viewers pick their poison from films such as Jonathan Demme's Academy Award–winning The Silence of the Lambs, the fang-centric Let the Right One In, or Halloween 4 featuring lovable loser Michael Myers. After sinking into one of The Oaks Theater's 430 seats, petrified patrons can cower behind a large soda or superstitiously squeeze the earlobe of their moviegoer companion.
Groupon Says
The Groupon Guide to: Boxes of Chocolates
Unfortunately, the government will never force big candy corporations to label their boxed chocolates, as this would leave them with nowhere to hide the country's disgusting deposits of cherry cordials. To help, here's a guide to knowing which chocolates are safe to eat:
Round: Eat. This will be filled with delicious coconut, the only nut with no calories and no anger that you are eating it, willingly sacrificing its life to sustain your own. Are you happy now?
Square: Do not eat. Chocolate does not naturally have corners. If it does, there's no explanation and it's uncomfortable to even think about.
Oval: Bite into this one carefully. If it's nougat—swallow. If it's not nougat, it's bird food—leave it for your spouse or children to eat. Especially if either happen to be a bird.
Lumpy: Enclose this in your hand until it melts. All of the polished rocks and metal treasures that were lurking below its surface will suddenly be revealed.
Rectangle: Eat. This one must be caramel. It just has to be.
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