Before being discovered by med spas, lasers were used exclusively for slicing turkeys during space Thanksgiving. Give thanks for lasers with today's Groupon to Avalon Medical Spa. Choose between the following options:
- For $129, you get one consultation and two spider-vein laser treatments (a $650 value).
- For $189, you get one consultation and four spider-vein laser treatments (a $1,250 value).
Under the guidance of medical director Dr. Irving Restituyo, the staff at Avalon Medical Spa clears skin of discolorations with laser vein treatments that last 15 or 30 minutes. Inside private treatment rooms, patients recline on cushy tables as the medical-grade equipment bombards spider veins with brilliant flashes of light, like paparazzi do to Sasquatch at his favorite restaurants. The laser beams target the spider veins’ pent-up hemoglobin, which absorbs the light and transfers the resulting heat into the blood vessel without damaging the surrounding tissue. Two or four treatments take place at four- to six-week intervals, depending upon the size and extent of each client’s vein colony. Although patients' prognoses vary, many note that smaller veins disappear within one to two treatments, allowing them to test whether or not their vampire suitors were only interested in them for superficial reasons.
Groupon Says
The Groupon Guide to Everyman’s Classics: Animal Farm
Everyman should enjoy classic literature, which is why the Groupon Guide invented the Everyman's Classics study-guide series. This installment covers:
Animal Farm: Chapter V
Summary: All right, so at this point the animals have been running Animal Farm for a while. This one horse, Mollie, gets treats and pets and ribbons from a neighbor farmer who is a man (not an animal), so she leaves to work on his farm instead of Animal Farm.
Meanwhile, the rest of the hilarious talking animals are arguing about whether they should build a windmill like Snowball the pig says or to not do that like Napoleon the pig says (note: Napoleon is also the name of an important man from France). So they argue and stuff and the animals seem like they want the windmill. But then Napoleon calls in all these dogs he’s been secretly raising and they come in and are big and scary and the animals are scared even though I’m pretty sure a horse could beat a dog in fights. The dogs chase away Snowball and Napoleon is like, “Basically, I’m in charge now and communism is flawed.”
The pigs explain to the animals that it is good that Napoleon is in charge and not bad and also Snowball was a bad pig. The horse named Boxer who always says “I will work harder” also starts saying “Napoleon is always right.” The animals continue to work because that is how they get food and the dogs are scary (even though, seriously, horses are strong [also donkeys can kick pretty hard]).
Analysis: Having recently discovered that there is no symbolism in this book, scholars agree that this chapter is particularly unsymbolic. It is well documented that walking, talking animals fall under Jungian archetypes of “the priceless” and “the adorable.” Scholars also agree that they are more excited for the later chapters when the pigs wear top hats and other human clothes.
Important Quote: “Nine enormous dogs wearing brass-studded collars came bounding into the barn. The animals cowered in fear and did not have an all-out, no-limits brawl with the dogs even though this would have been awesome and worthy of being put on a video website if such a thing ever exists.”
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