The deal is on!
Eighty percent of America's cucumber crops go toward making pickles; the other 50 percent is distributed among spas for edible eye coverings. Harvest your senses with today's deal: for $65, you get a one-hour Swedish massage and a European facial at The White Orchid Salon & Spa (a $140 value). This Groupon can be used over two visits.
The benevolent body bufferers at The White Orchid Salon & Spa are expertly trained to transform skin owners into an indestructible engine powered solely by bliss. First, hand over your fore-pores to the licensed aesthetician, who will administer a thorough European facial (starting at $80). The relaxing procedure, carefully tailored to your skin type, will clean and exfoliate the skin, leaving it bright, healthy, and free of expired mothballs. The relaxation train forges forward with a calming, tension-nullifying one-hour Swedish massage ($60). Using light to medium pressure, the certified therapist will knead achy muscles throughout the corpus using long, slow strokes, thereby restoring your body to a nubile state of relaxed joyousness unlike any since you got your braces removed.
Pleasant lighting, cushy chairs, and elegant décor swathe subjects in a tranquil, comfy atmosphere, accentuated further by the friendly staff's positive energies and Super Soakers loaded with frankincense. The White Orchid's specialists pride themselves on their continued education in their respective spa disciplines, and they'll happily transmit their up-to-the-minute expertise and advice to clients. Call ahead to schedule your appointment.
Reviews
Yelpers give The White Orchid Salon & Spa a perfect five-star average:
- White Orchid salon is a comfortable, clean and lovely enviroment [sic] to relax and be pampered. – Katherine H.
- I took a chance and hoped the benefits would outweigh the costs. Boy, did they ever. – Jessica F.
Groupon Says
The Secret Massage
Sweden is known both for its neutral stance on war and for inventing a world-renowned massage technique. The Swedes first perfected their deep, relaxing massage in 1919, but because they feared their treasured techniques falling into the wrong hands, they kept the existence of the Swedish massage a secret from the world. It was not until 1987, when satellite photos of Sweden revealed a shockingly relaxed populace and dozens of strategic massage bunkers, that the world became aware of the existence of the secret massage.
Naturally, the world powers began jockeying for access to the potentially weaponize-able massage, by means both diplomatic and underhanded. Many international observers believe that the 1992 Summer Olympics were, in fact, a complicated ruse carried out by Russia and the United States to distract Sweden long enough to steal their massage, as evidenced by the fact that Sweden won an unexpected 904 Gold Medals that year. Still, the Swedes held tight to the massage until 1999, when Y2K-related fears caused Swedish officials to release classified details of the massage, believing that the world would likely end. Today, the Swedish massage is practiced all over the world, though rumors that the Swedes are secretly working on an even better massage run rampant.
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