Everyone knows that home is where the heart is, which is why virtually every residence faces the peril of robbery by cardiac transplant patients. Keep your precious organs protected with today’s Groupon: for $67, you get a home security system with two months of monitoring service (a $259.98 total value, including shipping) from LifeShield.
LifeShield protects home owners and their valuables with a savvy combination of smart technologies. While some other home security systems can be easily ripped out of the wall by a belligerent R2-D2, LifeShield’s systems feature three “brains” located throughout the house, and battery, phone, wireless, and cellular backups protect the system in case of power grid failures, cut phone lines, or other technological snafus. The LifeShield Essential Kit contains all of the hardware needed to stump burglars and unwelcome relatives, along with foreboding window stickers and a yard sign to advertise your abode’s impenetrability. This Groupon includes the first two months of LifeShield’s monitoring service ($29.99 a month), which puts the house on a direct lifeline to police and fire protection. The monitoring service also allows owners to arm or disable the system from their phones and set up open-door alerts, enabling them to see whether their kids came home from school at 3 or their spouse is back from visiting his or her secret family.
Setting up the system is quick and easy, and installation doesn’t require oblong tools or a team of rocket scientists dressed in signature rocket-scientist jumpsuits. All of LifeShield’s systems and accessories are easily upgradable in case extra protection is needed after you bury all your gold in your living room or silver-plate your schnauzer.
Groupon Says
The Groupon Guide to: Poemtry
"Poetry is the science of the heart," said noted poem master Robert "2 Cold" Frost. He simply meant that poetry is the most science-like of all the arts, as it can be broken down into its base elements, categorized, and reverse engineered under laboratory conditions. Here's a guide to creating your own works of rhyming heart science:
Find Your Genre There are three basic genres of poetry:
- Inspirational: Uplifts the spirit with references to clouds and the birds that eat them.
- Terrorfying: Includes works such as "The Raven" by Edgar Allen Grier.
- Slam: Conveys a deep, personal message through the medium of shouting.
Put the Words Together Without exception, all poems share one basic trait: they must rhyme. Early poets rhymed every single word, but today's lazy poets rhyme only a few words at the end of every other sentence.
Once you've selected your base, or "rhyme words," add some metaphors. A metaphor is when one thing, usually something from nature such as a sunbeam or a skeleton, stands for something else—and this other thing is always freedom.
Publish or Perish Don't leave your poems rotting in a drawer (they will attract flies). Instead, send them to one of the hundreds of busy poetry publishers that are eager to pay handsomely for your couplets. Or, earn a living writing today's modern poetry—television police procedurals.
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