Similar to past tenses, tense backs are related to things that happened a while ago and are incomprehensible to most 5-year-olds. Brush up on the basics of back bliss with today's Groupon: for $40, you get a one-hour Massage by Deesign from Dee Wolfe at The Upward Spiral (up to a $90 value). This Groupon is good for one of the following massage modalities:
- Swedish (an $80 value)
- Deep tissue (an $80 value)
- Pregnancy (an $80 value)
- Hot stone (a $90 value)
- Cranial sacral (a $90 value)
- Shiatsu (a $90 value)
- Sports (a $90 value)
Boasting more than 20 years of muscle-melting expertise, Dee Wolfe applies her healing hands at The Upward Spiral, a physical-training and holistic-health education center. Her restorative repertoire includes exotic treatments such as shiatsu fingertip tap dances and the more conventional Swedish massage, renowned for rendering tense candied fish into deliciously pliable taffy. Deep-tissue massage can help to unearth and release buried tension troves, and a hot-stone massage uses flame-roasted rocks to relax burdened back muscles.
Groupon holders can extend the time on all ameliorative offerings by paying the difference, or spring for the ultimate upgrade with Dee's specialty Yamaichi Acu Touch treatment ($200 for two hours; Groupon users pay the additional $110). This two-hour kneading can help to combat stiffness and pain through palpation therapy of deep lymphatics, not to be confused with the New Wave band of the same name.
Groupon Says
The Groupon Guide to: What Makes a TV?
Enjoying television is as patriotic as knitting an apple pie or eating American flags. Here's a look at some of the components that make up these high-tech picture boxes:
• Glass: A high-end TV has a glass screen that when turned off (not recommended) will reflect your image. When turned on, it will reflect how awesome TV is.
• Cathode Ray Tube: No longer needed for modern TVs to work, but manufacturers still put one in every set just for old times' sake.
• Gold: TV signals, like men's hearts, are lustily attracted to gold, causing them to fly out of the sky into the gold brick in the back of every TV.
• A Couple of Horse Bones: 'Cause why not, right?
• Wires: They hook up to the wired helmets that all the actors wear to beam their acting into your TV.
• An Eternal Flame: To honor the former TV stars who have died.
• Tiny Fire Extinguisher: In case the eternal flame gets out of control.
• IBM PetaFlop SuperComputer: Guesses when you want to change the channel, lower the volume, etc., all to cover up the fact that the remote control doesn't do anything.
• Martin Sheen: He's gotta live somewhere.
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