Dead skin haunts faces, reminding them of particularly humiliating flaws and experimental episodes with henna-based forehead chore lists. Banish past blemishes with today's Groupon: for $42, you get a microdermabrasion facial treatment at Sage Spa (an $85 value).
A winner of Tallahassee magazine 's Best Spa Services award in 2005, Sage Spa consistently transports faces to younger years with state-of-the-art microdermabrasion technology. Wielding the Derma Pod wand, a devout dermal doyen will caress the face with a steady flow of crystals, safely removing dead skin cells and sending them off to visit all of your childhood pets at "the farm." Immediately after the treatment, wrinkles and fine lines fade to reveal a more even skin tone. The powerful procedure helps anti-aging salves and serums penetrate the outermost layer of skin, ensuring that it looks younger than a pacifier-hoarding nebula sitting on the lap of a crippled supernova.
Groupon Says
The Groupon Guide to: Knighting Yourself
Nowadays, you don't have to slay a dragon or release a hit music album to get knighted. In fact, the Magna Carta specifically grants all land-owning citizens the power to knight whomever they see fit, and since this document is still the basis for all of today's laws, here's what you'll need to knight yourself:
A Worthwhile Quest: Every knight worth his chain mail earns his title and the official, knights-only Maytag dishwasher by bravely completing a legendary quest. Suitable quests include rescuing a princess, raising the national IQ through tireless one-on-one tutoring, or warning children about the dangers of defenestration through a series of comical radio advertisements.
A Gallant Broadsword: Once you've completed your quest, you'll want a high-quality sharp weapon with which to knight yourself. Try looking in abandoned rock quarries or school lost-and-found closets. If you can't find a heroic-looking blade, visit your local Nerf mine to gain access to enough of the soft foam-like mineral to make a sword.
Goodness in Your Heart: True knights must be pure at heart, so it's important to purge yourself of any unkind feelings or fears that have lodged themselves in your ventricles. Lock yourself in a closet and perform scream therapy for at least two months (no breaks) to excise your demons. Then, deliver a shot of goodness directly into your aorta by eating some children’s letters to Santa.
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