Finally—A Contest on the Internet

If you can read this, you’ve already won!

That’s right, you’ve won the freedom to participate in Groupon’s new Weekly Twitter Contests—a gauntlet of wit, will, and skill that will test your creativity, physical endurance, and Twittering ability. But we can already hear you asking—via our vast, technically legal network of customer listening devices—what’s in it for me?

Well…how does a weekly prize of $72 sound?

If you said, “Sounds great!” you’d better buckle up, because we won’t be giving away a weekly prize of $72. We’ll be giving away a weekly prize of $100.

That’s 100 free Groupon Bucks to spend on dining, services, or memorable experiences with loved ones who will see you with new admiration once your talent is finally validated by strangers on the Internet. It’s easy to play:

  • Start now by following @Groupon on Twitter. Every Monday morning we’ll announce that week’s Twitter contest.
  • You may be called upon to write something, craft something, or solve a riddle—the possibilities are only limited by our imaginations and international law.
  • You have until Friday afternoon to get in your submission. Winners will be announced on Friday at 5 p.m. (CST).
  • Full rules, including easy-to-follow legal jargon, are available to read after the break below.

And it doesn’t stop there. Each week we’ll also award a secondary “G for Effort” prize of 50 Groupon Bucks to one tenacious, frequent player—or to an honorable mention or a surprising interpretation of that day’s request.

Finally, because we’re so excited about unleashing your collective brain potential, the first Twitter contest starts not Monday, but RIGHT NOW! Follow @Groupon on Twitter to see what we’ve cooked up for this inaugural contest!

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Behind the Deals: Moving Checklist

Groupon has been constantly moving into new offices because of all the smells that keep happening in them. Here’s what every Groupon employee is forced to do to before moving:

  • Unplug your computer monitor.
  • Dust off the computer monitor with the shirt you are wearing.
  • Gently drop your computer monitor in the trash. You’ll get a new one at the new office.
  • Place your keyboard and mouse into the box you brought from home, but only after coating them in the supplied keyboard/mouse sterilizing cream.
  • Close your box and wait for the sterilizing cream to take effect.
  • When the sides of the box puff out, the sterilizing cream is working, turning the coating of dead skin cells and body oil you’ve left on your computer equipment into a mostly harmless, odorless gas.
  • Open your box back up—only after putting on the construction mask you brought from home—and check to make sure the sterilizing cream hasn’t completely eroded your equipment.
  • If your keyboard and mouse are left relatively intact, close the box and walk away. Someone will probably take care of the rest.

All Great Savings Deals

In these harrowing days of doubt and trouble, our extra money is a comfort to our souls. The holistic and nurturing benefits of interacting with our extra money are well-known. Sure we nuzzle it, hug it, and use it to spell out our worst fears on the floor, but what are some really productive ways to bond with our money? The money party, a forgotten American tradition from the 1950s, is one way. In it an entire neighborhood would liquefy all their assets and pile them up in a giant hill in one of their backyards. Couples would take turns climbing the hill and being King and Queen Money. This was extremely soothing to all. An old French tradition called le petit chapeau en argent is equally beneficial: the French would take the largest bill they could find and make a tiny hat from it. They would then wear the small money hats under their regular hats for the rest of their days. This is the main factor in their particularly long and full lives. And finally there is the ancient Greek rite of pecunia festum. The Greeks would cook their currency into their olive spreads, date pastes, and Lil’ Greek Fun Cakes and then gingerly eat around the coins. This level of money-man intimacy–including money so closely in the practice of consumption–is believed to be the main factor in the Greeks’ creation of the greatest civilization in world history. In order to survive, nay thrive, we must resurrect these practices and live our long, fruitful lives well into the 21st century and beyond.

Enjoy your extra money well, my moneyed denizens, with these great saving deals this week:

flying photo school – Online photography classes meet for four weeks and include videos, worksheets, and instructor feedback.

Home Collection Fleece-Sheet Sets – On chilly winter’s eves, coral-fleece sheets keep sleepers cozy. The ultrasoft plush sheet sets come in a choice of six colors, making it easy to match with heirloom quilts or footed pajamas.

Top Chef University – Contestants from Emmy-award-winning cooking show lead more than 200 online video lessons with printable recipes

Vistaprint - Web-based design tools let users customize cards, calendars, mugs, and T-shirts with personalized text and images

Kassadesign Egyptian-Cotton Towel Set – Egyptian-cotton bath towels, hand towels, and washcloths with durable and absorbent two-ply construction

You can check out the full collection HERE. Happy savings!

Behind the Deals: Employee Perks

Contrary to popular belief, Groupon employees aren’t just doing it for the love of the deals. There are some real sweet perks to this job, and here’s just a few of them:

  • Employees don’t have to work if they feel sick or are stressed out about an interaction they had with a mean bus driver.
  • Every employee gets free membership to a gourmet-cheese club regardless of their interest in cheese or ability to digest it.
  • Employees can leave their desks literally any time they need to go to the bathroom as long as they have submitted an OBRF (Official Bathroom Request Form) to their manager at least three hours ahead of time.

Behind the Deals: Assigned Parking Spaces

Only Groupon’s most important employees get guaranteed parking spaces. Here are those employees:

  • Leonard “Dollar” Moneymuns, Senior Vice Salesman
  • Maybe-braham Like-on, Abraham Lincoln Impersonator
  • Dog, Dog
  • Doug, Doug
  • Harry Plimpton, Manager
  • Michael Jordan, Basketball Dynamo (a man with the same name whom we hired for having the same name)
  • Hamm Lamb, Official Tester for Poison in Soda
  • Kehl-tor, He Born of Fire

Return of Groupon Kidz Club

Groupon is no stranger to what kids truly desire thanks to our proprietary research software—KiData™. Based on our exhaustive kidformation, we’re putting together an un-kid-voidable promotion—Groupon Kidz Club—for a second time! That’s right! All your favorite characters are back, including Roll, a boy who loves baked goods, and FopTop, who’s a kid only at heart.

In addition to all the laughter and enjoyment of each other’s company you’d expect from the members of the Groupon Kidz Club, this time around they’ve got big news—they’ve finally completed initiating a new member! Wow! Just imagine what he or she will be like! Does he/she like cold cereal or hot cereal? Does he/she like cereal at all? The possibilities are endless!

If your interest level has risen considerably, check out the Groupon Kidz Club to discover who that new member is. And while you’re there, catch up with the rest of the gang! They’re anxiously waiting for you.

Groupon Guide Memory Lane

A favorite from the archives—The Groupon Guide to: Christmas Presents

Sometimes the ultimate Christmas present is giving someone the ultimate Christmas laugh by playing the ultimate Christmas prank: the Gift of the Magi. Little did writer O. Henry know when he unleashed this classic ironic switcheroo that it would become the holiday practical joke for the ages. Here is the guide to achieving this classic Christmas gag:

  •  If your spouse sells her hair to buy you a watch fob, then sell your watch to get her a speaking engagement at the Beautiful Hair Awards. You’ve been Magi’d
  • If your spouse sells his car to buy you a diamond ring, then sell your fingers to buy an oak barrel full of gasoline. You’ve been Magi’d
  • If your spouse sells her grandmother’s antique brooch to buy you a PlayStation, then sell your TV to buy her a rare black-and-white photograph of her grandmother as a young girl clasping her brooch as she flees the Communists. Did somebody say Magi’d?
  •  If your spouse sells his soul to buy you a singing career, then sell the rights to your hit single to buy him the completeChicken Soup for the Soul. Paging Dr. Magi’d
  • If your spouse sells her 10,000 spoons to buy you a knife, sell your knife holder to buy her 10,000 copies of Alanis Morissette’s Jagged Little Pill. Anfernee Hardaway goes up for a slam dunk, another two points on the board for the Orlando Magi’d

The Pet Mumbler

Luckily you don’t have to have opposable thumbs to purchase all the pet deals we’re featuring on Groupon this week. To help showcase the deals, we were lucky enough to get four-legged animal tips from a popular two-legged celebrity:

The Pet Mumbler™’s Tips for Training Your Pet

If pets were humans, they’d be the dumbest, rudest people on earth. Get your pet into a more presentable state of mind with these tips, straight from me—Jim Vault, The Pet Mumbler™.

  • If your parrot tries to escape from its cage, put it in a small, bare room and shine a little light bulb in its eyes. Ask where it was planning to go. When it undoubtedly says the name of a cool, tropical island, remind the bird that it’s from a pet shop and it can go back to one, too, if it doesn’t change its attitude.

  • If your dog talks over you with boring, uninformative barks, hold his face close to yours and remind him that you have a very useful and interesting degree in fertility counseling, which makes _you_ the most fascinating man in the room. Show him that you are not a man who can be easily silenced.
  • If your cat is clawing everything in your house to shreds, accept it. This is what happens to a man who chooses the company of animals over the companionship of humans. This is his fate.

If you liked those tips, don’t forget to watch my show Thursdays at 11 p.m. on The Earth World Channel!

Sleuth House

Recently, when looking around the Groupon attic for completely normal reasons, we stumbled upon our old edition of popular affluent whodunit (“affludunit”) board game, Sleuth House.

As we perused the game board’s crazy, spooky rooms like the bedroom or the hunting preserve, we realized it was the perfect way to showcase our favorite Groupon deals for the home.

The game is hours of horrifying fun for the whole family, but don’t take our word for it, take these from the back of the box:

From the morbid minds at Gristle/Blenderman games, Sleuth House is a gruesome mystery that’s murderous fun for the whole family, from the suspicious to the suspicious at heart. Thrill as you and your children eye the colorful suspects and wonder of what dark, horrific deeds they are capable. Laugh as you and your loved ones deduce the weapon used in the crime, be it an antique gun or the brutally inefficient golf cleats. It’s spooky fun for kids aged 6 and up as they explore the perversely decadent palace of a now-dead socialite. Because at Sleuth House, intrigue is always on the menu.