Like all publicly traded companies, Groupon requires its employees to write their email password on a whiteboard in the reception area. Here are some of the entries you’d see if you walked into Groupon:
Groupon’s semiweekly Take Your Child to Work Day is a chance for kids to take a break from mind-hardening schoolwork and get a taste of what they’ll be doing when they take over their parents’ place on the Groupon assembly line. Here’s a guiding acrostic we give to the wee ones visiting Groupon headquarters for the first time:
Clean your hands. Groupon’s gears can’t get dirty.
Hide your flaws. Groupon wants only the best tots!
Ideas from kids? No thanks.
Listen to your elders: you’ll hear their bones making noises.
Direct your attention to the crated dog. He’s not for petting.
Redirect your attention to the hole the dog guards.
Exit the hole! Exit the hole!
Never think about what happened here.
Groupon is celebrating Father’s Day with a collection of dad-centric deals to honor the man who gave birth to you and has offered you unparalleled advice. This Father’s Day, remember these common pieces of fatherly wisdom:
- Fire safety is key. That is, always keep your fires safe and don’t let anyone put them out.”
- Always be on time—except to your own funeral, when it’s more impressive to show up late but alive.”
- Take out the garbage!”
- Hate no one—except the garbage, which you should treat as your mortal enemy and take out when I tell you.”
- Enjoy yourself. Pretend taking out the garbage is a game and see if you can finally remember to do it without me telling you.”
- Rake the leaves! Just kidding, take out the garbage first.”
- Seriously, take the garbage out.”
Like all offices, including the offices of cooler college deans, Groupon offers free beverages to keep its hundreds of employees refreshed and bubbly. As a future Groupon employee, what complimentary thirst quenchers will you have to choose from?
- Water (always a classic)
- Ice-cold cans of Wow! Cola
- Diet Wow! Cola
- Diet Wow! Half-Caff Citrus
- Herbal tea (boiled water and pepper packets)
- Coffee mixed with … Swiss Miss?
- Purple stuff
- Homemade Vitamin Water
The next time you’re feeling parched, drop by Groupon HQ and take a sip … of Groupon!
If you want strangers to be so moved by the beauty of your home and garden that they will leave whole roasted turkeys on your doorstep as a sign of their gratitude, you’ve got to check out Groupon’s collection of [home and garden deals](www.groupon.com/occasions) to up your curb appeal. Some featured deals include:
Sprucing up your home can now be easily done online with DesignerAtHome. Submit measurements and photos of the chosen space, then work with the design team to devise your ideal room makeover.
A decorative rug from My Rug Dealer’s online store can help keep your feet clean from the things you swept under the carpet. It’s a simple way to add some refinement to a room.
The Emson Big Boss juicer frees vitamin-rich liquids from their fruit and vegetable prisons with 700 watts and two speeds of pulverizing power.
Here are some other ways you can make your estate more stately:
- Trim away tree branches that are blocking your home, unless they’re blocking the window that you stand in while plucking the hair out of your forearms.
- In your garden, you can never plant too many flowers that have teeth and an insatiable appetite for any humans that try to pick them.
- Hang an enticing decoration on your front porch, such as a sign that says “Everyone who lives here is relatively disease-free.
- If a teenager spray-painted a frowny face on your front door, clean it off with a homemade solvent composed of turpentine and fire, or take the door off the hinges and turn it upside so it looks like a friendly, inviting face that has no mouth and a thick, linked pair of eyebrows.
- Fill your front yard with our most beautiful natural resource—smiling children.
When students leave school for the summer, or for the “long summer” of adulthood, their brains begin to leak knowledge, eventually decaying into useless, wet orbs. Try these tips to keep your brain active while you’re not in school:
**Read More:** Reading can transport you to another world. To avoid becoming disoriented about what world you’re in, only read emails and text messages that you yourself wrote.
**Learn about Local History:** You may have passed by a certain bridge, horse, or national monument every day but never taken the time to find out its historical significance. You’ll be shocked to find out how many of your town’s old buildings were formerly inhabited by an important historical traitor or Bill Gates.
**Turn Everything You Do into a Word Problem:** If you’re on a train that’s traveling 50 mph and your spouse is in your truck traveling 75 mph, how long will it take you to catch up with them and convince him/her to take you back?
**Learn a New Skill:** Take up woodworking, weaving, or masonry. When your brain does inevitably harden into a dense, lifeless rock, you’ll be glad that you taught your hands a real skill.
Groupon maintains a verdant 18-acre campus in a zeppelin high above the Chicago River. However, some of our employees are allowed to work from home occasionally, provided their home offices include the following work necessities:
- Landline phone
- Fax machine
- High-speed Internet modem
- Water cooler
- Full team of coworkers with their own desks and cubicles
- Manager onsite
- Unsustainable ennui
Like all companies, Groupon has its share of competitors. While we don’t tend to acknowledge them publicly, there are a few competing companies who have behaved so egregiously that it now falls upon us to publicly call them out for their misdoing:
- Coupon Pony: Stole our idea for offering unbelievable, hand-picked deals that transform the way you experience your city.
- Deal Junction: Copied our innovation of pairing local businesses with new customers via channels of featured deals with maximum exposure but limited availability.
- Greg Pernatto Chevrolet in Wilmette: Refused to throw in free rear-view-mirror air freshener shaped like a tribal sea turtle that made our new Cruze smell exactly like the beach, but didn’t last long enough to be worth an extra four dollars.
- Nopuorg: Self-explanatory. Learn more about this abomination at Nopuorg.com.
- The United States Government: Competes with our amazing deals by offering a completely boring National Park System that no one uses anyway, even though it’s practically free and the memories and soul-richening experiences that you and your family will take away are truly priceless.
One of the best parts about working for Groupon is that we take care of our employees, even when they forget to take care of themselves. To combat the health risks of a sedentary lifestyle, all our office employees are subject to a mandatory company fitness regimen:
- Yoga ball/chair crunches (3 sets/15 reps)
- Jogging in place (1 min.)
- Jogging in tight circle around someone on an important phone call (2 min.)
- Sarcastic eye rolls (3 sets/12 reps)
- 1:42 minutes of jaw stretching (keeping mouth open in disbelief while watching a 1:42-minute-long YouTube of a panda eating a whole birthday cake)
- Tilting back head to try to catch Peanut M&M in mouth (32 min. or until successful)
- Yogurt break (3 min.)
- Detoxifying sweat, totally involuntarily, resulting from terror of being yelled at for eating someone else’s yogurt (8 min.)
- Cooldown nap (2 hr.)
Follow this regimen at home to become a sexy corporation that the investing public can’t wait to trade … bodies with, that is.
Since Mother’s Day is a time to shower your mother with gifts while simultaneously impressing other moms, here are some offers to prove what an impressive offspring you are:
At a time when prepping a dish has been taken to the “X-Treme,” these eye-catching Flirty Aprons provide a safeguard against menacing kitchen spills.
Tending to the body’s beauty needs can be soothing and socially responsible with skincare & makeup products from The Body Shop.
Ensure your mother never forgets your face. Display up to 6,400 digital pictures of yourself with the Pandigital Email Digital Picture Frame.
With $15 for $30 worth of Fannie Mae Chocolates your mother can eat these tasty treats all at once or one at a time.
Mother’s Day gifts come in all shapes and sizes. If chocolates or being mean to your dad isn’t a sufficient present, try one of these alternative options: