Like all offices, including the offices of cooler college deans, Groupon offers free beverages to keep its hundreds of employees refreshed and bubbly. As a future Groupon employee, what complimentary thirst quenchers will you have to choose from?
- Water (always a classic)
- Ice-cold cans of Wow! Cola
- Diet Wow! Cola
- Diet Wow! Half-Caff Citrus
- Herbal tea (boiled water and pepper packets)
- Coffee mixed with … Swiss Miss?
- Purple stuff
- Homemade Vitamin Water
The next time you’re feeling parched, drop by Groupon HQ and take a sip … of Groupon!
If you want strangers to be so moved by the beauty of your home and garden that they will leave whole roasted turkeys on your doorstep as a sign of their gratitude, you’ve got to check out Groupon’s collection of [home and garden deals](www.groupon.com/occasions) to up your curb appeal. Some featured deals include:
Sprucing up your home can now be easily done online with DesignerAtHome. Submit measurements and photos of the chosen space, then work with the design team to devise your ideal room makeover.
A decorative rug from My Rug Dealer’s online store can help keep your feet clean from the things you swept under the carpet. It’s a simple way to add some refinement to a room.
The Emson Big Boss juicer frees vitamin-rich liquids from their fruit and vegetable prisons with 700 watts and two speeds of pulverizing power.
Here are some other ways you can make your estate more stately:
- Trim away tree branches that are blocking your home, unless they’re blocking the window that you stand in while plucking the hair out of your forearms.
- In your garden, you can never plant too many flowers that have teeth and an insatiable appetite for any humans that try to pick them.
- Hang an enticing decoration on your front porch, such as a sign that says “Everyone who lives here is relatively disease-free.
- If a teenager spray-painted a frowny face on your front door, clean it off with a homemade solvent composed of turpentine and fire, or take the door off the hinges and turn it upside so it looks like a friendly, inviting face that has no mouth and a thick, linked pair of eyebrows.
- Fill your front yard with our most beautiful natural resource—smiling children.
When students leave school for the summer, or for the “long summer” of adulthood, their brains begin to leak knowledge, eventually decaying into useless, wet orbs. Try these tips to keep your brain active while you’re not in school:
**Read More:** Reading can transport you to another world. To avoid becoming disoriented about what world you’re in, only read emails and text messages that you yourself wrote.
**Learn about Local History:** You may have passed by a certain bridge, horse, or national monument every day but never taken the time to find out its historical significance. You’ll be shocked to find out how many of your town’s old buildings were formerly inhabited by an important historical traitor or Bill Gates.
**Turn Everything You Do into a Word Problem:** If you’re on a train that’s traveling 50 mph and your spouse is in your truck traveling 75 mph, how long will it take you to catch up with them and convince him/her to take you back?
**Learn a New Skill:** Take up woodworking, weaving, or masonry. When your brain does inevitably harden into a dense, lifeless rock, you’ll be glad that you taught your hands a real skill.
Groupon maintains a verdant 18-acre campus in a zeppelin high above the Chicago River. However, some of our employees are allowed to work from home occasionally, provided their home offices include the following work necessities:
- Landline phone
- Fax machine
- High-speed Internet modem
- Water cooler
- Full team of coworkers with their own desks and cubicles
- Manager onsite
- Unsustainable ennui
Like all companies, Groupon has its share of competitors. While we don’t tend to acknowledge them publicly, there are a few competing companies who have behaved so egregiously that it now falls upon us to publicly call them out for their misdoing:
- Coupon Pony: Stole our idea for offering unbelievable, hand-picked deals that transform the way you experience your city.
- Deal Junction: Copied our innovation of pairing local businesses with new customers via channels of featured deals with maximum exposure but limited availability.
- Greg Pernatto Chevrolet in Wilmette: Refused to throw in free rear-view-mirror air freshener shaped like a tribal sea turtle that made our new Cruze smell exactly like the beach, but didn’t last long enough to be worth an extra four dollars.
- Nopuorg: Self-explanatory. Learn more about this abomination at Nopuorg.com.
- The United States Government: Competes with our amazing deals by offering a completely boring National Park System that no one uses anyway, even though it’s practically free and the memories and soul-richening experiences that you and your family will take away are truly priceless.
One of the best parts about working for Groupon is that we take care of our employees, even when they forget to take care of themselves. To combat the health risks of a sedentary lifestyle, all our office employees are subject to a mandatory company fitness regimen:
- Yoga ball/chair crunches (3 sets/15 reps)
- Jogging in place (1 min.)
- Jogging in tight circle around someone on an important phone call (2 min.)
- Sarcastic eye rolls (3 sets/12 reps)
- 1:42 minutes of jaw stretching (keeping mouth open in disbelief while watching a 1:42-minute-long YouTube of a panda eating a whole birthday cake)
- Tilting back head to try to catch Peanut M&M in mouth (32 min. or until successful)
- Yogurt break (3 min.)
- Detoxifying sweat, totally involuntarily, resulting from terror of being yelled at for eating someone else’s yogurt (8 min.)
- Cooldown nap (2 hr.)
Follow this regimen at home to become a sexy corporation that the investing public can’t wait to trade … bodies with, that is.
Since Mother’s Day is a time to shower your mother with gifts while simultaneously impressing other moms, here are some offers to prove what an impressive offspring you are:
At a time when prepping a dish has been taken to the “X-Treme,” these eye-catching Flirty Aprons provide a safeguard against menacing kitchen spills.
Tending to the body’s beauty needs can be soothing and socially responsible with skincare & makeup products from The Body Shop.
Ensure your mother never forgets your face. Display up to 6,400 digital pictures of yourself with the Pandigital Email Digital Picture Frame.
With $15 for $30 worth of Fannie Mae Chocolates your mother can eat these tasty treats all at once or one at a time.
Mother’s Day gifts come in all shapes and sizes. If chocolates or being mean to your dad isn’t a sufficient present, try one of these alternative options:
The environment is in peril. Oceans that used to be crystal clear are now filled with salt and formerly pristine forests have been overrun by wild animals. Here are simple steps you can take toward creating a healthier earth every day:
**Conserve Water:** If every American turned off the faucet before they went to bed and sacrificed their daily “just for fun” flush, we would save enough water to turn some of our country’s most unsightly canyons into thrilling water parks.
**Recycle:** One man’s trash is another man’s thing that can hold something else. Reuse an old plastic water bottle to store all of your loose glitter or reuse an old Chinese food container to hold all of your loose glitter containers.
**Don’t Waste Energy:** People expend hundreds of joules of energy every day just walking around their homes turning off lights. By leaving your lights on and your appliances plugged in, you could save enough energy to clean up some of the crude oil you spilled in the front yard.
**Go the Extra Mile:** Spend one day every year doing something special for the environment, such as sifting a gallon of local swamp water through your Brita filter or riding your bike to _work_ instead of to your garbage-throwing place.
Interested in doing more for the Earth? We’re offering green deals and supporting environmental campaigns through Groupon Grassroots and CrowdRise, co-founded by Edward Norton. Let us know how you plan to celebrate Earth Day!
In addition to participating in after-work sports leagues and clubs where everyone talks about their nightmares, Groupon employees build camaraderie by assigning each other nicknames. Here are some of the nicknames that can be heard around the Groupon offices:
- Carol “Human Fax Machine” Williams
- Ryan “Bro-ver Cleveland” Tanning
- Bryce “Piece o’ Toast” Harper
- Dave “Uncle Bart” Packard
- Frank “Moist Feet” Campman
- Stewart “Not Inside My Shed on a Sunday Afternoon” Martin
- Alexander “Alex and Er” Williams
- Melissa “Hurty Nurse” Smith
- Carol “Turkey? More Like a Shoe” Hershey
- Reese “Dave Packard” Stalton
- Peter “The Good Wife” McMullen
Celebrate Spring’s annihilation of Winter’s minions with spring cleaning and warm-weather deals.
Spring has rapidly arrived as if unconstrained from a coiled position! Spring, as season aficionados know, is the season most famous for not being the other seasons. Although summer is known for warmth, winter for cold, and autumn for metaphor-laden leaf death, spring now has its own trademark: the spring deal collection from Groupon.
To ring in this least popular season, take a look at the some other famous unpopulars:
**Least Popular President: Rutherford B. Hayes:** Lost both the popular vote and George Washington’s secret love-potion recipe that had been passed down to all prior presidents.
**Least Popular Monopoly Piece: the Shoe:** If the dog swallows it, there will be very little outcry for its retrieval.
**Least Popular Emotion: Guilt:** Legally and morally, you are absolved of all guilt if you shout your wrongdoings into a paper sack and then pop the inflated bag.
**Least Popular Horatio Alger Protagonist: Weepy Peter:** Born into poverty and just as he begins to rise to middle-class respectability, Peter spends the remaining 190 pages crying in bed over a girl who decides to date a different coworker.
**Least Popular FDR Quote:** “We have nothing to fear but the terrible knowledge that for most of us, our lives will have been lived in vain. And to a lesser degree, fear itself.”