Luckily you don’t have to have opposable thumbs to purchase all the pet deals we’re featuring on Groupon this week. To help showcase the deals, we were lucky enough to get four-legged animal tips from a popular two-legged celebrity:
The Pet Mumbler™’s Tips for Training Your Pet
If pets were humans, they’d be the dumbest, rudest people on earth. Get your pet into a more presentable state of mind with these tips, straight from me—Jim Vault, The Pet Mumbler™.
- If your parrot tries to escape from its cage, put it in a small, bare room and shine a little light bulb in its eyes. Ask where it was planning to go. When it undoubtedly says the name of a cool, tropical island, remind the bird that it’s from a pet shop and it can go back to one, too, if it doesn’t change its attitude.
- If your dog talks over you with boring, uninformative barks, hold his face close to yours and remind him that you have a very useful and interesting degree in fertility counseling, which makes _you_ the most fascinating man in the room. Show him that you are not a man who can be easily silenced.
- If your cat is clawing everything in your house to shreds, accept it. This is what happens to a man who chooses the company of animals over the companionship of humans. This is his fate.
If you liked those tips, don’t forget to watch my show Thursdays at 11 p.m. on The Earth World Channel!
Recently, when looking around the Groupon attic for completely normal reasons, we stumbled upon our old edition of popular affluent whodunit (“affludunit”) board game, Sleuth House.
As we perused the game board’s crazy, spooky rooms like the bedroom or the hunting preserve, we realized it was the perfect way to showcase our favorite Groupon deals for the home.
The game is hours of horrifying fun for the whole family, but don’t take our word for it, take these from the back of the box:
From the morbid minds at Gristle/Blenderman games, Sleuth House is a gruesome mystery that’s murderous fun for the whole family, from the suspicious to the suspicious at heart. Thrill as you and your children eye the colorful suspects and wonder of what dark, horrific deeds they are capable. Laugh as you and your loved ones deduce the weapon used in the crime, be it an antique gun or the brutally inefficient golf cleats. It’s spooky fun for kids aged 6 and up as they explore the perversely decadent palace of a now-dead socialite. Because at Sleuth House, intrigue is always on the menu.
From Groupon’s infamous MICHAEL’S ROOM—an entire drawer full of thumbtacks, mousetraps, and concrete respectively.
Like all publicly traded companies, Groupon requires its employees to write their email password on a whiteboard in the reception area. Here are some of the entries you’d see if you walked into Groupon:
Groupon’s semiweekly Take Your Child to Work Day is a chance for kids to take a break from mind-hardening schoolwork and get a taste of what they’ll be doing when they take over their parents’ place on the Groupon assembly line. Here’s a guiding acrostic we give to the wee ones visiting Groupon headquarters for the first time:
Clean your hands. Groupon’s gears can’t get dirty.
Hide your flaws. Groupon wants only the best tots!
Ideas from kids? No thanks.
Listen to your elders: you’ll hear their bones making noises.
Direct your attention to the crated dog. He’s not for petting.
Redirect your attention to the hole the dog guards.
Exit the hole! Exit the hole!
Never think about what happened here.
Groupon is celebrating Father’s Day with a collection of dad-centric deals to honor the man who gave birth to you and has offered you unparalleled advice. This Father’s Day, remember these common pieces of fatherly wisdom:
- Fire safety is key. That is, always keep your fires safe and don’t let anyone put them out.”
- Always be on time—except to your own funeral, when it’s more impressive to show up late but alive.”
- Take out the garbage!”
- Hate no one—except the garbage, which you should treat as your mortal enemy and take out when I tell you.”
- Enjoy yourself. Pretend taking out the garbage is a game and see if you can finally remember to do it without me telling you.”
- Rake the leaves! Just kidding, take out the garbage first.”
- Seriously, take the garbage out.”
Like all offices, including the offices of cooler college deans, Groupon offers free beverages to keep its hundreds of employees refreshed and bubbly. As a future Groupon employee, what complimentary thirst quenchers will you have to choose from?
- Water (always a classic)
- Ice-cold cans of Wow! Cola
- Diet Wow! Cola
- Diet Wow! Half-Caff Citrus
- Herbal tea (boiled water and pepper packets)
- Coffee mixed with … Swiss Miss?
- Purple stuff
- Homemade Vitamin Water
The next time you’re feeling parched, drop by Groupon HQ and take a sip … of Groupon!
If you want strangers to be so moved by the beauty of your home and garden that they will leave whole roasted turkeys on your doorstep as a sign of their gratitude, you’ve got to check out Groupon’s collection of [home and garden deals](www.groupon.com/occasions) to up your curb appeal. Some featured deals include:
Sprucing up your home can now be easily done online with DesignerAtHome. Submit measurements and photos of the chosen space, then work with the design team to devise your ideal room makeover.
A decorative rug from My Rug Dealer’s online store can help keep your feet clean from the things you swept under the carpet. It’s a simple way to add some refinement to a room.
The Emson Big Boss juicer frees vitamin-rich liquids from their fruit and vegetable prisons with 700 watts and two speeds of pulverizing power.
Here are some other ways you can make your estate more stately:
- Trim away tree branches that are blocking your home, unless they’re blocking the window that you stand in while plucking the hair out of your forearms.
- In your garden, you can never plant too many flowers that have teeth and an insatiable appetite for any humans that try to pick them.
- Hang an enticing decoration on your front porch, such as a sign that says “Everyone who lives here is relatively disease-free.
- If a teenager spray-painted a frowny face on your front door, clean it off with a homemade solvent composed of turpentine and fire, or take the door off the hinges and turn it upside so it looks like a friendly, inviting face that has no mouth and a thick, linked pair of eyebrows.
- Fill your front yard with our most beautiful natural resource—smiling children.
When students leave school for the summer, or for the “long summer” of adulthood, their brains begin to leak knowledge, eventually decaying into useless, wet orbs. Try these tips to keep your brain active while you’re not in school:
**Read More:** Reading can transport you to another world. To avoid becoming disoriented about what world you’re in, only read emails and text messages that you yourself wrote.
**Learn about Local History:** You may have passed by a certain bridge, horse, or national monument every day but never taken the time to find out its historical significance. You’ll be shocked to find out how many of your town’s old buildings were formerly inhabited by an important historical traitor or Bill Gates.
**Turn Everything You Do into a Word Problem:** If you’re on a train that’s traveling 50 mph and your spouse is in your truck traveling 75 mph, how long will it take you to catch up with them and convince him/her to take you back?
**Learn a New Skill:** Take up woodworking, weaving, or masonry. When your brain does inevitably harden into a dense, lifeless rock, you’ll be glad that you taught your hands a real skill.
Groupon maintains a verdant 18-acre campus in a zeppelin high above the Chicago River. However, some of our employees are allowed to work from home occasionally, provided their home offices include the following work necessities:
- Landline phone
- Fax machine
- High-speed Internet modem
- Water cooler
- Full team of coworkers with their own desks and cubicles
- Manager onsite
- Unsustainable ennui