2010: The Year of Re-Solutions

Every year since 1978, we here at Groupon have used New Years as the impetus to find solutions to address our several, numerous shortcomings. When these solutions fail, we try them again as REsolutions. Now, for the first time, Groupon wants to reward you for sticking to your resolutions. Groupon’s New Years Resolution week, December 28th – January 3rd, will feature deals to help you stick to your goals, like personal training sessions to help you get in shape, salon deals to give you a new look, and meal delivery programs to help you spend more time with your family and more time with meal delivery men.

“Wait, but I want $10 dollars,” you say – well Groupon’s Resolution week has got you covered. Purchase any two deals during that week and we’ll reward you with $10 in Groupon Bucks, the only private currency that can be used towards the purchase of any Groupon and is accepted as cash by helicopter pilots all over the United States.

In addition to making your own life better, Groupon is partnering with the Children’s Miracle Network to help our customers improve the lives of others, as well. Visitors to Groupon can donate to the Children’s Miracle Network through their city’s home page so that their donations stay local and do not help fund secret vampire cities, like Tucson, or Anchorage, where the yetis have firmly taken over. Let Groupon help you start 2010 off right with great deals, charitable donations, and free money.

New On Groupon: Tweets Around Town

Groupon exists for two reasons: to create serums that increase its employees’ heights and to give our subscribers all the motivation they need to go out and try something new in their city. Now that all Groupon employees are well over nine-and-half-feet tall, we’re happy to start providing even more local content from local writers who focus on what’s happening in their ‘hoods. We’re calling it “Tweets Around Town,” because all of our writers are tired.

We’ll be featuring Tweeters who write about experiences that can only be had in their hometown—dance parties, gallery openings, Bronson Pinchot impersonation conventions—right on the front page of Groupon. We’ve got a limited number of slots, so if that sounds like you, or you know someone who tweets about local events, [drop us a line](mailto:tweets@groupon.com). Groupon is always looking for new ways to expose our readers to dangerous amounts of local activities, because houses are boring and should be left as often as possible.


October's Photo Contest Winner

October Photo Contest Winner

With our monthly photo contest in full swing, we’re seeing some great examples of Groupons in action! This month, Danica Duensing caught our eye with this shot at [Madame Tussaud's Wax Museum](http://www.madametussauds.com/) in Hollywood, CA with “Wolverine.”

Danica told us:

> I bought the Groupons for Madame Tussaud’s Wax Museum because my brother and sister-in-law were coming into town from Wisconsin. My boyfriend, me, my brother and sister-in-law went, and we had a great time! I’m glad Madame Tussaud’s decided to partner with Groupon, because now that we know how much fun the wax museum is, we’ll definitely be going back!

Danica won $100 in Groupon credit to spend on more exciting adventures. Send your entries to [pictures@groupon.com](mailto:pictures@groupon.com), and make sure to include the Groupon in your picture to be eligible!

We might not "get" modern art–

–but that doesn’t stop us from making our own. After this week’s visit to St. Louis’ own Contemporary Art Museum we felt inspired to start the Groupon Cafeteria Museum of Contemporary Mind-Blowing Statements About Society. The following exhibits are currently on display (no passes or vouchers):

  • Black and White Slow-Motion Film Loop of Girls in White Dresses Jump Roping Suggests Something Or Other About Innocence (8mm film)
  • Dennis Has a Lot of Opinions About Modern Gender Roles/Let’s Listen To Dennis For a While (Installation)
  • 1000 Paper Cranes Containing Desperate Pleas From Americans Kept in Secret Underwater Prisons (Paper, squid ink)
  • Hella Butts (Oil paint on canvas)
  • Perfectly Preserved Killer Whale Suspended In Blue-Raspberry Gelatin—Holy Hell, I Just Saw It Blink (Whale, gelatin, and whale-gelatin)
  • Press Release: Groupon Hits 1,000,000 Subscribers!

    _CHICAGO, 11/2/09_: [Groupon](http://www.groupon.com)
    — America’s premiere website for thinking about doing stuff and then deciding to do it — just turned one million subscribers old.

    “When we started Groupon last November,” writes founder and haircut magnate Andrew Mason, “We had one goal in mind — Solar colonization. Did we find the sun was able to support human life? Yes, yes we did. But did we lose a lot of men to do it?

    [Long silence. Mason stares out window at sun.]

    “But to have our back-up plan [a website offering deals that encourage people to explore cool things to do in their city] connect with this many people in such a short time, it’s mind-blowing,” says Mason. “Hopefully, as we continue to expand and come up with new ways to engage our loyal fans, we’ll have many million more next year.”

    Andrew Mason then disturbed witnesses by taking a hearty bite from his own hand, which he revealed to be a prop hand made of taffy and was unavailable for comment for the better part of an hour due to “hand re-patching.”

    But Groupon is more than just [America's Best Website](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PM900B8gNv8). We’re rolling out new features like a little invention we’re calling “Gift Cards.” As easily as purchasing a Groupon for one’s lovable self, you can pass the deals on to another, in any denomination, to be redeemed on their own next Groupon purchase. From sushi to skydiving, get your loved ones the gift they really want— a thing that they forgot to tell you what it is.

    But how does giving to others help you? That’s where the referral program comes in. Subscribers can now receive Groupon credit for each friend they convince to buy a Groupon.

    “Now that we have such a huge, established audience, Groupon wanted to make it easy for our fans to do their shopping during the holiday season,” said Mason, through a mouthful of taffy-hand. “And since word-of-mouth is the cornerstone to our success, it made sense to reward people for telling their friends about us.”

    Groupon subscribers receive free daily emails alerting them to an exclusive deal from a top local business (restaurant, spa, indoor activity, the World’s Largest of something, etc.), but these deals only go into effect if a minimum number of people agree to buy, “just like clapping to bring Tinkerbell back to life,” adds a scientist.

    This naturally encourages subscribers to share the deal with family and friends via Facebook, Twitter, yelling, and other social media tools, generating new customers as they rope in awesome friends to try new restaurants, keep each other in check with their new gym memberships, or watch each other’s backs in Laser-tag. After only a year in business, Groupon has saved its subscribers more than $26 million Earth dollars while generating much more for local businesses, and having enough left-over to construct our weather machine.

    “Groupon brings buyers and sellers together in a fun and collaborative way,” said Mason, from his taffy-coma plastic detox incubator. “We offer the consumer a great deal they can’t get anywhere else and deliver the sales directly to the merchant.” Andrew Mason then exploded into a ball of white light, due to the molecular vibrations triggered by his obscene sugar consumption. Witnesses report that the phenomenon “was beautiful” and smelled “exactly like cotton candy.”

    _Groupon, launched in November 2008 in Chicago, features a daily deal on the best stuff to do, eat, see, and buy in major cities across the U.S., with plans to be in at least 25 cities by the end of 2009. Groupon uses collective buying power to offer unbeatable prices and provide a win-win for businesses and consumers._

    Secret Geography

    This week we investigated San Diego’s [Gulf Coast Grill](http://www.groupon.com/san-diego/deals/gulf-coast-grill#voice), which to our surprise, is not located in the Gulf Coast. In fact, the Gulf Coast region you know and love was not the first “Gulf Coast”:

    Today, the Gulf Coast region is composed of the five U.S. states that border the Gulf of Mexico—but that was not always the case. The five original Gulf States—New York, New Jersey, Philadelphia, and America Jr.—were known as the Gulf States because “Gulf” once meant “highfalutin” and did not refer to a body of water. This was also when Philadelphia was a state and “four” and “five” meant the same thing.

    Soon, however, the popular usage of “Gulf” shifted, and the states that were near the Water-Gulf of Mexico took the mantle of Gulf States. Unfortunately, history has not been kind to the original Gulf States: New York was destroyed in the Great Chicago Fire; New Jersey is currently 80% covered in water parks; Philadelphia lost its statehood in a friendly World Series bet between governors; and America, Jr. became Portugal.

    Hidden History #643

    This week at Groupon we traveled to Atlanta, where we unearthed evidence of a [secret feud between ancient rivals](http://www.groupon.com/atlanta/deals/atlanta-hawks-20#voice):

    **Hawks vs. Wizards**

    The feud between hawks and wizards dates back millennia. Recently unearthed cobalt tablets reveal the chronology of their bitter war of magics:

    200 AD: Azamoth of the Firstwind and his trusty hawk, Bringer, lay eyes on the same scrumptious cherry blossom. But before Azamoth can pop it in his mouth, Bringer snatches it from his hand and gobbles it up himself. The war is begun.

    1290: The seemingly indefatigable Thunderclaw Hawkfleet, as led by General Peregrine Skychild, guard the northern sky like an impenetrable web of knives, ready to reduce any opponent to tatters—that is, any opponent they can see. Abercrombie of the Sparkling Air sneaks past them under a Guise of Refractability, carrying in the Six Forbidden Charms of Resistance, unimpeded.

    1774: An unstable continent to the west becomes a refuge for desperate, emigrating hawks, many of which do not survive the transatlantic flight, despite the aid of their amulets. A bloodthirsty faction of wizards, however, is quick to follow, and the ensuing battle in the new world becomes the perfect smokescreen for the birth of a young republic.

    1958 The hawks battle the wizards for the first time in human form, winning in double overtime against a coven of Stonehenge-worshipping Druids who had cleverly renamed themselves the Boston Celtics.

    This Week's Findings

    Too bashful to talk to that cutie across the room? In Phoenix, we discovered [this](http://www.groupon.com/phoenix/deals/earleys-flowers#voice) Fill-In-the-Blanks Missed Connection Ad Generator to help track him/her down in the local paper for later connectioning:

    You: [Gender]
    Me: [Gender]

    I saw you at the (_location_). You were wearing a (_color_) (_name of band_) (_clothing item_). I was the (_description of height_) (_gender_) (_verb_)-ing against a (_model of car from the mid-90s_). We made eye contact, but I was too (_synonym for scared_) to talk to you. I badly (_verb_)-ed myself on that samurai sword that someone hid in the (_unlikely place for a samurai sword_). (_Modal verb_) (_pronoun_) like to (_verb_) (_noun_) at (_non-threatening neutral location_) and (_verb_) (_our imagined mutual interest in name of band from clothing item_)?

    This Week's Horrifying Revelations

    Fear is the secret to happy marriages, lasting friendships, and the final ingredient in numerous madman-created serums. We learned this while fact checking the reported dreadful nature of the helix featured at [Chronicles of the Cursed: Hades Emerges](http://www.groupon.com/deals/chronicles-of-the-cursed-haunted-house), a haunted house in Chicago. While researching the nature of fear, we uncovered this information about this fall’s new movie releases:

    Scary Movies Sure to Make You Jump

    Scary movie season is filled with genuinely scary flicks, but there are also a number of less-terrifying stinkers:

    • President’s Day: All of the deceased presidents rise from their tombs and run for President again.
    • A Nightmare on Murder Street Part 6: To everyone’s surprise, undead dream-murderer Dale doesn’t go on a murder spree but does start committing mail fraud.
    • The Historical Haunting of Madeline: A bunch of ghosts don’t do all that much to secure a PG-13 rating.
    • The Wyoming Chainsaw Massacre: A chainsaw wielding maniac can’t find one person to murder in the least populous state.

    Meanwhile in Tampa, we discovered terrifying brain teasers to enhance the mind-body experience of yoga. Specifically of the yoga practiced at Tampa’s [Namaste Yoga Studio](http://www.groupon.com/deals/namaste-yoga-studio).

    Step Into The BrainTrap!

    Yoga is well known as a unifier of mind and body, and just as muscles must stretch to strengthen, so must the gray matter upstairs. With that, Groupon dusted off our favorite childhood board game BrainTrap™: The Game of Unreasonable Mind-Teasers, and transcribed a few favorites for you to try at home:

    • You enter a room. A man who stands four feet high has hung himself. Below him is a puddle of warm water, and in the corner, a vase has fallen from the table but is not broken. What has happened?
    • It is the circus. The tightrope walker is blindfolded, but holds an umbrella for balance. On her shoulder sits a North African parrot. Why was the conductor of the orchestra arrested for the murder?
    • A boy and his father are in a minor car accident. The man is unharmed, but the boy will require a wrist brace. When they arrive at the hospital, a priest is waiting. “You have the same last name as my brother,” he tells them, “although we are not related. Who am I?” Before the priest can answer, the hands of a nearby clock come to rest on digits that, when subtracted from one another, form their own square root. A fire brigade is called, but they are unable to enter the building. “My son is in there,” says the childless woman. Why?

    This Week's Fancy Facts

    This week has provided us with a bonanza of facts. Here are two of the fanciest facts we could find.

    **Fancy Fact #1:** Regarding [The Fourth Estate Restaurant](http://www.groupon.com/washington-dc/deals/the-fourth-estate-restaurant#voice) in Washington, DC, which is housed within the National Press Club.

    Lounge around at The National Press Club for some great people watching and you’re likely to overhear entertaining gossip about today’s top journalists. Groupon investigative researchers recently picked up some notable gossip documenting the little rituals and superstitions that news anchors perform before going on-air each night. Here are just a few that have been divulged to us:

    • Edward R. Murrow: Consumed entire roast chicken in under one minute.
    • Walter Cronkite: Split wooden plank over face and screamed “Get some!” into camera.
    • Sam Donaldson: Does his own eyebrows.
    • Barbara Walters: Lies fully clothed in empty bathtub listening to MP3s of whale songs.
    • Dan Rather: Burns a doll made of own hair while whispering, “And so it begins.”

    **Fancy Fact #2:** Discovered while researching [D’ames Day Spa](http://www.groupon.com/san-diego/deals/dames-day-spa#voice), a wonderful day spa in San Diego.

    D’ames Day Spa offers a variety of soothing treatments—during the day. But many clients are turning to a whole new kind of spa experience: the night spa. The services it offers are similar, but with the mystery and intrigue that could only happen at night. Here are the key differences between a day spa and a night spa:

    • Day Spa: Relaxing massage treatments
    • Night Spa: Gosh darn vampires everywhere
    • Day Spa: Rejuvenating skin treatments
    • Night Spa: Reanimating skin experiments
    • Day Spa: Beautifying waxing services
    • Night Spa: The wind is driving everyone insane; a mysterious figure appears on a cloud of dust