Luckily you don’t have to have opposable thumbs to purchase all the pet deals we’re featuring on Groupon this week. To help showcase the deals, we were lucky enough to get four-legged animal tips from a popular two-legged celebrity:
The Pet Mumbler™’s Tips for Training Your Pet
If pets were humans, they’d be the dumbest, rudest people on earth. Get your pet into a more presentable state of mind with these tips, straight from me—Jim Vault, The Pet Mumbler™.
- If your parrot tries to escape from its cage, put it in a small, bare room and shine a little light bulb in its eyes. Ask where it was planning to go. When it undoubtedly says the name of a cool, tropical island, remind the bird that it’s from a pet shop and it can go back to one, too, if it doesn’t change its attitude.
- If your dog talks over you with boring, uninformative barks, hold his face close to yours and remind him that you have a very useful and interesting degree in fertility counseling, which makes _you_ the most fascinating man in the room. Show him that you are not a man who can be easily silenced.
- If your cat is clawing everything in your house to shreds, accept it. This is what happens to a man who chooses the company of animals over the companionship of humans. This is his fate.
If you liked those tips, don’t forget to watch my show Thursdays at 11 p.m. on The Earth World Channel!