(Guest-written by Stu, a real-life Accountant, probably)
It's that time of the year again! You know what I mean--the birds are chirping, the temps are climbing, your wallet is salivating over a government-endorsed cheque about to bring some sweet, sweet cash-money more expendable than Sylvester Stallone's favorite film franchise.
That's right, you babies—IT'S TAX RETURN SEASON! I always get three questions right after taxes are due: 1) "When did you last sleep?", 2) "Are you actually a robot, like in Westworld?", and 3) "What should I spend my tax return on?". It really burns my biscuits over how many people have NO IDEA what they can blow their return on, but guess what?! Thanks to the kind folks from Groupon's Coupons Team, ol' Stu is finally here to set the record straight on the best buys you can find if you're looking to burn your return! After all, you know what they say: it must be true if it rhymes!
This is the obvious choice: get a brand new tube to stop watching TV like a noob! (THERE'S THEM RHYMES AGAIN!) eBay is currently offering a 20% off coupon code for tech and electronics, so head on over and grab yourself a beautiful new, eye-melting television!
Now that the tech is out of the way, it's time to get to the REAL necessities! This super comfy and super moisture-retentive "sleep-in" mermaid towel is currently on sale at Justice, so you can finally wake up one morning and be the most beautiful, most absorbent mermaid that is stranded in bed, because you have no legs to get you up! That's money well-spent!
Summer's coming, so why not make sure you have the proper equipment to house your brewskis? Better yet, why not make sure you can ride around to deliver brewskis to your friends at your office's annual Accounting Department Summer Brewski Bacchanalia? Grab this drivable, ridable cooler from Hammacher Schlemmer and make sure your summer shindig has ample amount of both chill and...thrill.
Know what will happen when you're spending all this sweet federal coin? You're gonna get dehydrated. Know what you should get to help you out? A limited-edition Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino. Know what you need to hold a Frappuccino? Not your hands, genius! A tumbler from Starbucks Store! Check out their sale on tumblers and other liquid-containers while you liquidate your return, and keep your sugar high soaring while you keep spending like a king!
What's the point of having money if you can't use it to buy shoes, AMIRITE? Furthermore, what's the point of buying shoes with tax money if they're not ludicrously stylish and representative of the figurative cage money keeps us all in? These fabulous kicks, along with more styles, are available at Barney's New York, but I recommend these if you're really looking to TREAT YO' SELF. Why not go for broke? (Figuratively. I've given bad financial advice before, but...don't worry, these are fine! #treatyoself2017)
Awww yeaaaaaah, now it's time for your tax return to truly ride or die! You can snag this bad boy over at Amazon on the cheap now that Fate of the Furious is in theaters, and lemme tell you, these movies? They SPEAK to me. I've never seen a film series that so effortlessly translates what it's like working in an accounting firm during tax season! They got everything you can find in our office leading up to tax day: drama, family, high-pressure situations, nitrous boosters, The Rock...it's utter perfection, I tell you. If you get one thing on this list, make it the best dang movie collection you'll ever own.
Okay, I lied: if you get one thing on this list, THIS is what you need! Nothing beats treating yourself like gaining a true mastery of time and space! Then you could go back to a time before! Before humanity was ruled by money and government, and your friends asked you to do their returns for free, as a favor, because you're just so good at it, Stu! Yet if you just had a time machine, all of the taxes would disappear, and then you'd be free! Do you hear me? FREE! ...anyway. These are 7 items, in my expert opinion, that should be at the top of your list of Tax Return purchases. This magical season only comes once a year, thank goodness, so make sure you take advantage of all the coupons you can and use your money wisely! Until next tax season, this is your old faithful pal Stu, signing off....