Leprechaun Abduction 101

BY: Christopher Mahar |Dec 11, 2018

So you’ve decided to track down and catch a leprechaun this year, in order to enrich yourself with his pot o’ gold. Well, ok. Honestly, it seems like a strange idea to us, but what do we know? We’re sure you’ve thought through all the ethical implications of getting into what is pretty much the for-profit kidnapping and extortion racket, and you’ve made peace with it. Groupon Coupons isn’t here to judge but rather to help our loyal readers obtain their financial dreams. So without further ado, here are our top tips for a successful leprechaun abduction! Tip #1: Give It A Day You’re jazzed to get your Anton Chigurh on and relentlessly run down an incredibly rare creature from Irish folklore so you can strong arm him for that magical skrilla. We get it. Here’s the thing though: March 17 is just the worst day for this. Leprechauns have calendars too, and St. Patrick’s Day is essentially Purge Night for them. They know they need to stay hidden from the hordes of tipsy fortune hunters all gunning for a mythological pay day, so they hunker down in their burrows starting at sundown on March 16. They have Amazon Prime and Blue Apron. They’ll be fine. But even the wee folk don’t like to stay cooped up for too long, and on March 18 you can grab them as they cautiously stick their head out of their lair and terrify them into running their pockets. Tip #2: Do Not Seek The Rainbow So where is a leprechaun lair? A popular belief is that leprechauns can be found at the end of rainbows, but this is a dangerous misconception. Journey to the end of the rainbow and you will find only Azathoth, one of the great and terrible outer gods, who shall drag the universe into eternal madness if his ten thousand year dreamless slumber is disturbed. Leprechauns live exclusively in Hoboken, New Jersey. Tip #3: The Ol’ Leprechaun Lure Leprechauns famously have a weakness for gold, and you can use this to your advantage. Amass a pile of gold jewelry (real, not fake–they know the difference) and subtly spread the word on the street that you have become estranged from your family. Now fake your death. Submit an obituary to The New York Times (leprechauns are naturally curious about world events and are deeply distrustful of cable news). In your obituary, make sure to list when and where the reading of your will is to take place. Leprechauns believe in the luck of the Irish and so, remembering that you have no clear heir, they will be compelled to come to your lawyer’s office on the off chance you have named them. Wait in the empty and dark office you gave as the address, tightly gripping your Louisville Slugger. The shadow of a man’s head in a top hat bleeds through the frosted glass window. The door cautiously creaks open. The trap is sprung. Tip #4: Research, Research, Research Don’t have time to play the long con? Then it looks like you are booking that flight to Hoboken! When you land, you’re going to want to head straight for the main branch of the public library to cross-reference genealogical records with historic city survey maps to find…wait a minute. Is this Uber driver smoking a pipe? And would you say that is an excessive number of phone books he is sitting on to reach the wheel? Well oh my. Looks like this was easier than we thought it would be.  Bonus Tip: Taxes You did it! Congratulation on this new revenue stream. Please remember that the government will want to take its cut, and stolen leprechaun gold should be reported on the 1099-MISC form. DO NOT let the leprechaun get away without providing his employer identification number.