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How to Survive the Summer Solstice

BY: Christopher Mahar | Dec 11, 2018

Today's guest post is by Christopher Mahar We are quickly approaching the summer solstice here in the northern hemisphere, and with it the longest day of the year. Because Earth is pulling its yearly weeble-wobble, the planet is now oriented so that the northern half gets a bunch more solar rays for the next few months, with the day of the equinox getting the most. How much? Depending on your latitude north of the equator, you can expect anywhere from 12 to 24 hours of bright, searing, deadly sunlight. So as we do every year at this time of year, we are devoting a post to the population most in need of info on this celestial event: vampires. Important note: we got a lot of emails about this last year so we want to make it clear up front: any advice in this post is intended for traditional vampires. If you are a reverse vampire, it is extremely important you do the opposite of what is recommended here. Consult your maker if there is any ambiguity on this issue.

When exactly is this fearful event to take place?

Usually the solstice falls on June 21, but this year it will occur a day earlier on June 20. To be sure, June 21 isn’t going to be a picnic in a graveyard either, but you can expect maximum skulking and cringing from the hellish yellow orb in the sky to take place a day earlier this year. Make sure to mark it on your perpetual desk calendar.

What do I need to survive this affront to all that is unholy?

Tasteful window treatments! More specifically, blackout shades, blinds, and curtains. These provide unmatched privacy, prevent sun damage to furniture and rugs, and keep the risk of sudden, catastrophic combustion to a minimum when puttering around the house.

How can I while away my cursed existence on this day, trapped between my eternal thirst and my eternal foe?

Did you know Anne Rice’s wildly popular Interview with the Vampire is celebrating its 40th anniversary this summer? I know, it doesn’t seem that long ago–especially to an immortal night stalker such as yourself. Still, I bet you’ve forgotten a few passages–why not relive the magic during your enforced staycation?

But what shall I consume? For I am hungry…

I hear you like this stuff? To be honest, our lawyers are not super thrilled with the idea of us answering this question.

Any last words?

Hey, just because you’re a vampire who is about to be stuck in your castle for 12–24 hours, slowly wasting away, it doesn’t mean you can’t have some fun! Summer solstice is like vampire April Fool’s Day. If you’re nesting with another vampire, secretly purchase a Philips Morning Wake-Up Light, set the alarm, and put it next to your victim's coffin. Just as the alarm is going off, lift the lid and shout “curse you Van Helsing, how did you find us again?! No, not the blackout curtains!” Hilarity is guaranteed to ensue!