As regular blog readers well know, Thursday–being the day of the week named for the Norse god of thunder and lightning–has traditionally here been devoted to news related to Thor, and more generally the hot gossip concerning Asgard. Regular blog readers will also recognize that our Thor coverage as of late has been somewhat prone to error and some would say slanted to paint Thor in a negative light. For instance, we had to retract and delete our post last Thursday about Thor and his goats Tanngrisnir and Tanngnjóstr drinking large flagons of mead at LA hot spot Nobu before going on a wild chariot ride through the hills of Mulholland Drive. Video evidence and Uber receipts clearly show Thor's hammer, Mjölnir, called for a car and all four went directly home at the end of an early evening on the night in question. Groupon Coupons regrets the error, and we have vowed never to use Loki as our gossip source again.
This Thursday, however, is different, as we have exciting breaking news about the plot of the newest Thor movie, Thor: Ragnarok, which premieres November 3. While production of the movie has been very secretive, our newest sources say they have attended advance screenings and will dish on all the twists! Here we have their words, directly from the horse's mouth: be careful, spoilers are DEFINITELY ahead!
From Þökk, we got a summation of all the Thor movies, including the newest:
"In Marvel's THOR
, we follow the titular character, who gets let out of prison early at the news that his wife, Laura Palmer, has been killed in a freak accident. He meets a mysterious man that hires him as his bodyguard, and this man turns out to be Nicholas Fury, who is trying to assemble the Avengers. After the Avengers ARE assembled, Fury actually reveals himself to be Odin, Thor's father, and warns him of a coming war of the gods in the realm of Asgard.
"In THOR: THE DARK WORLD
, literally nothing of note happens.
"In THOR: RAGNAROK
, said war arrives, spearheaded by Jeff Goldblum, who is a mystical trickster god named The Grand Master. He's sent his hench-woman and gothy drag queen Hela, played by Cate Blanchett, to raze Asgard and steal all of this precious metal the Asgardians have, called magufinium (fun comic book trivia fact: this is the same metal that Captain America's shield is made of, and that coats Wolverine's bones!). ALSO, Ragnarok is gonna be extra awesome, because Hulk shows up after going on a sweet Space Voyage to find Thor so he can come back and the two can help settle the conflict of 2016's Captain America: Civil War, which was all about Cap trying to form a rogue superhero state that was going to secede from the U.S.A."
From Serrure, who has some news that will be of interest to some Redditors:
"The movie subtly introduces a B-story at the beginning, disguising it as a one-off opening sequence about archeologists who uncover a fabled artifact. The Tesseract? Marsellus Wallace's briefcase? Hard to know because we only see the faint glow dancing on the awed faces of the team just before bales of blue fire engulf them.
"Then it's onto Thor and his gang doing some stuff.
"But at about the 45-minute mark, guess who's back... one of the archaeologists from the beginning, only now it's three years later and the only surviving member of the team sits uneasily in the S.H.I.E.L.D. headquarters. Here's where it gets weird: they're just making small talk about the plot of Pulp Fiction, but get this... two minutes into the scene, a title card comes up that says "1982"!! How do they even KNOW about that movie!? (Incidentally, this will lend credence to the pet theories of a handful of Redditors who have for years maintained that the Tesseract and Marsellus Wallace's briefcase are in fact one-and-the-same! But that's not in the movie).
"So, anyway, they're both like, 'That was great. I love seeing movies a full decade-and-change before they're released. It's nice to talk about it with someone else for once. Ok but so let's for real talk about this thing you found. God, I wish it was Marcellus Wallace's briefcase, but it's not. No two ways about it.' (At this point, a handful of Redditors will feel deep disappointment marbled with the sinking feeling that they need to make some serious life changes).
But so in the middle of that conversation, a second explosion happens and they both die. But uh-oh, because that's just a flash-back and the whole time that same survivor has been telling Thor all about how he can die a lot but isn't a super-hero. He doesn't realize that he's talking to Thor because they're both at a bus-stop, which for Thor is part of the movie's main story, and Thor is in his street clothes. Thor's polite, but it's clear that he's too distracted by his unfounded anxiety that the bus might not arrive on time to pay much attention to this Highlander of archaeology. And that's a shame because if he took a second to listen up and read between the lines, Thor would likely uncover the answer to the riddle that's been plaguing him the entire movie—a riddle it would be irresponsible for me to spoil."
And finally from Mr. Laufeyson, this startling news that the movie we were all waiting for has taken a very different form indeed:
"Early in the movie, we learn that "Ragnarok" is just a mishearing of the phrase "Rag The Rock", and the whole movie is a non-copyright-infringing Friar's Club-style roast of The Rock, who Thor and all the Avengers "rag" on for about 2.5 hours."