Today you are going to buy a $30 gift certificate for just $20 from DAS Foods, makers of a fine array gourmet caramels and salts. You are going to buy and redeem it before 1/8/09 only on dasfoods.com, and you will understand in advance that the discount code is non-transferrable. You will not attempt to combine with another offer or redeem for cash. You will allow 7-10 business days for shipping. And you will do all these things not just because DAS foods makes classy, delicious, affordable holiday gift packages, but also because DAS Foods are not a gourmet treat maker to be trifled with.

We'll get to their world famous French Salted caramels later, but lets start with the finishing salts. Much like finishing moves in Mortal Kombat, DAS Foods finishing salts, are lethal weapons whose purpose is to deliver a dramatic killer blow to evil opponents and gourmet dishes. DAS's Hawaiian Black Lava Salt, for example, is a one of a kind blend of sea salt and purified volcanic charcoal. Evaporated in above ground pools formed naturally from lava flow, black lava salt carries a unique smoky aftertaste, not to mention the added health benefit of a detoxifying effect. You can use the Black Lava Salt to wow your friends and family at the dinner party this holiday season with this killer recipe for Pepper Prawns and Frozen Mango Puree. Or if someone at the party trifles with you, Black Lava Salt can be used to perform a fatality on your opponent, burning all the flesh off their skeleton and enabling you to rip out their spine & hold it up to the other dinner party guests as a terrifying trophy and omen of what happens when you are trifled with. If you're the clueless type who doesn't know how to use finishing salts, fret not, for DAS Foods has you covered. Here's their recipes which use the salts as in some delicious looking dishes. And Groupon has you covered too, with this instructional video on how to use finishing salts to finish your enemies.

Just because DAS Foods are capable of these brutalities doesn't mean you can't bring them home for Christmas. O contraire mon frère. The most effective killers are the surprising ones who lead normal lives and engage with society, and DAS foods is the kind of catch who knows just how to please their boyfriend or girlfriend's parents with delightful gift packages. You've got the Caramelini Gift Box, full of DAS Foods true staple: awesome gourmet caramels with sophisticated flavors ranging from "Chai Latte" to "Ginger & Pistachio." Meanwhile, the Holiday Assortment Box is a budget holiday gift that will make you look like you spent way more money than you did.

And don't let their murderous potential blind you to DAS Food's capacity to be incredibly sexy. Check out their Man Bait Lollipop. There's no joke here, that's the actual product name, and it has a maple and bacon flavor. String it up on the fishing pole, ladies, and watch a man flop like a beached trout into your grasp. And then, "finish him."

On a serious note, DAS deserves a round of applause for its philanthropy efforts. They donate 10% of all their profits to the AIDS foundation of Chicago. That's actually much higher than the standard percentage of profits that most corporations donate, and sets them apart from the kinds of shameful corporate philanthropy AIDS efforts that are more about marketing themselves as responsible than about making any meaningful contribution towards the fight against AIDS.

So get your philanthropy-on, your holiday gift-on, and your fatality-on with this Groupon.