Like ripened fruits, people with healthy-colored skin tend to spend less time loitering in orchards and are more likely to get picked up at the grocery store. Catch the eye of passing orangutans with today’s Groupon: for $16, you get one month of unlimited bed tanning at 24/7 Fitness Club (a $40 value), conveniently located downtown.

When you start your month of unlimited tanning, you will receive an electronic key card granting you access to 24/7 Fitness Club's tanning beds at whatever time of day suits your lifestyle best, be it morning, middle of the night, or you don't know the time because you took off your watch to avoid tan lines (you will be asked to put down a refundable $12 deposit for the key). 24/7 Fitness is outfitted with top-of-the-line equipment, including high-intensity VIP tanning beds that use Cosmolux 9K90 lamps. As you lay back, relax, and bronze, fans will keep you nice and cool with the care of a diligent Dreamsicle.

After you've donned a new pigment suit, rinse off in the full locker room with towel service, and change into something that complements your new hue. Use this Groupon to get your body beach ready for a summer trip, or purchase up to two additional to give to friends as part of your conspiracy to convince your fourth friend she's turning into a ghost.

Customers under the age of 18 must have a waiver signed by a parent or guardian.