It doesn't bother me that samba and salsa are widely regarded as more fun than death metal. Nor am I troubled by the fact that Zumba - the musical aerobics class that combines Latino music with high-energy dance moves - is loved by Americans, while my revolutionary death metal aerobics course, Gloomba, has only a small, dispirited following. Although Zumba With Jess instructor Jess Perkins is loved by her students for her "high energy" and "fun spirit," my wrath is not shaken.

Some would say that because Groupon is offering five classes of Zumba With Jess for just $30 (normally $60) today, that surely this must be the death knell for my dark metal aerobics class: Gloomba With Soul Harvester X. While I have temporarily descended into the depths of aerobic obscurity, what you don't know is that the prophecy is written that on December 21, 2012, amidst the fiery haze of the apocalypse, Gloomba will swallow Zumba whole. And I, Soul Harvester X, will ascend to Earth so as to teach all remaining mortals my morose aerobic craft.

One might not expect such an unfortunate outcome for Jess and her popular Zumba class. After all, Zumba With Jess combines high energy and motivating music with unique moves and combinations that allow you to dance away your stress while you get fit. Apparently, Zumba is based on the principle that exercise should be "fun" and "easy" to do. Mortals seem to like the benefits of Zumba, including weight loss, increased stamina, stress relief, and improved dancing ability. They love to feel the "beat" and move their "hips."

Soul Harvester X hath not hips, nor Gloomba a beat, yet you can burn more calories with Gloomba. But Gloomba's superiority is subtle and often missed by the mainstream writers - who, blinder than my eyeless imp slaves, overlook Gloomba in their coverage of Zumba. Allow me to, in a mocking voice, quote the Improper Bostonian's foolish review of Zumba With Jess (before I devour its author's soul):

• "Perkins, with her inspiring rock-star style, has the right mix of C'mon, Move It! and mischievous joyfulness to inspire you to get dance-exercising, and all your muscle groups going, including,the famous "core" that holds authority in your midsection. A Zumbacious hour can expend 400 to 700 calories. Up in this spacious studio with big windows, you have a different experience than in an enclosed gym jammed with machines; everything feels loose and open."

Zumba With Jess meets Thursdays at 6:30 PM at Village Fitness at 357 Huron in Cambridge, as well as Saturdays at 5:00 PM at 440 Somerville Ave. in Somerville. My Gloomba class meets endlessly in the Fifth Chamber of Hell. If you are wondering how gloomily wobbling about to rhythmless sludge metal can shed more calories than Zumba's 400-700 per hour, just come to one of my classes. You'll see that the secret lies in Gloomba's distorted aerobic lurching and special accompanying diet consisting of mortals' souls. Not only that, but even Zumba's Groupon discount can't beat my everyday price. Simply surrender your soul to me to obtain eternal membership to my Gloomba classes. I'll even throw in a free rhumba if you deliver a friend's soul. And with all the low-calorie souls I'll provide you freely in return, you should have no doubt that Gloomba classes are the better value.

If you need additional evidence of Gloomba's superiority, feel free to compare this Zumba video to my righteous Gloomba Cinemasterpiece. Whether you get your Groupon or not is irrelevant: The prophecy states that we will meet regardless in 2012 at my gym. Beat the pack to the punch, and I will give you the Early Bird Special: a higher post-apocalypse soul yield from the Reckoning's harvest than the forcibly converted Zumba students will receive.