A laser is like a zamboni for your body, buffing you smooth for a pick-up hockey match. Sleekify your figure with today's Groupon: for $99, you get $650 toward laser hair removal or Zerona body-slimming treatments at Aesthetic Laser and Skin in downtown Puyallup.

With the cutting-edge LightSheer deforesting diode, Aesthetic Laser and Skin's hair-removal treatment comes in uniquely eternal Timeless packages; for a flat fee, any given area will be granted a perpetual reprieve from keratin invasions, consisting of as many treatments as required, over as much time as required (starting at $600). Individual treatments are also available, starting at $75 for unibrow trial separation, $95 for hobbit feet, and $375 for lumberjack-beard removal. With the LightSheer's patented cool tip, discomfort is negligible, and after the full treatment cycle, hair removal is as permanent as the updos of the '80s. This treatment is suitable for a wide range of skin tones and hair types, but it is highly recommended that patients make use of the complimentary consultation prior to treatment.

Dr. Naushaba Marri, Aesthetic Laser and Skin's medical director and laser leader, lends her Hippocratic hands to scientifically proven beautification techniques. The noninvasive Zerona body-slimming treatment ($2,400 for the six-session process) liquefies lard in the body, drawing fat out to be naturally metabolized with the help of post-treatment lymphatic massages. Zerona is ideal for those who wish to embark on a sojourn towards slimification but are deterred by the lengthy wait for visible results. The treatment does not damage tissues, eliminating recovery time. Your specialist may suggest niacin-packed dietary supplements for your lymphatic nodes and group therapy sessions for your imminently orphaned one-piece.