The Tooth Fairy is a burglarizing fetishist specializing in black-market ivory trade, and she must be stopped. Today’s Groupon helps keep teeth in mouths and out of the hands of maniacal, winged phantasms: for $59, you'll receive a consultation, exam, cleaning, and x-rays from Affinity Dental Group (a $294 value) in Kissimmee.

Relax in one of Affinity Dental Group’s comfy chairs as it zooms up and tilts back to the angle at which an experienced team of periodontal dominators can easily examine your gracious gums and pearly pals. During your stay, a dentally focused eye will peer deep into your mouth for signs of trouble (a $61 value), take x-ray pictures of your teeth for the Affinity yearbook (a $150 value), and address any concerns, pains, or existential ennui before de-gunking your charming chompers (an $83 value). All procedures at Affinity Dental come complete with rigorous sterilization and disinfection procedures designed to ease the mind and heighten the level of overall brilliance.

The friendly staff at Affinity Dental march through toothly trenches under the experienced generalship of Dr. Gabriella Alford, who is a member of both the American Dental Association and the Central Florida District Dental Association. Dr. Alford has helped folks to say cheese and consume cheese with confidence for years and now rides the crest of the cleaning wave with ultramodern equipment and contemporary kindness. Schedule an appointment with her and the team for anytime Monday–Thursday, 8 a.m.–4 p.m., and save the gummy dilemmas for those who deserve them most: mustachioed bubblegum-bubble blowers.

Only new clients may redeem this Groupon, and the cleaning will only be performed in the absence of gum disease.