Like a tree house, a gym never lets non-members inside and always deflects frogs fired from the neighborhood bully’s slingshot. Hurry up the rope ladder with today's Groupon: for $30, you get a one-month trial membership, including unlimited fitness and tanning and three personal-training sessions at Anytime Fitness (a $290 value). Your trial membership can be used at either of Anytime's Panama Lane or Hageman Road locations, which, as the name suggests, are open 24 hours a day, seven days a week, and 512 days a year with non-stop security.
During your month-long trial membership at Anytime Fitness ($100), you can re-bloom your wilted health with the state-of-the-art facility's diverse range of cardio and strength equipment. Exploit muscles for non-financial gain with free weights, tone legs on the treadmills, undergo a demanding tour de fitness-center via exercise bikes, or just catch up on reruns of Homeboys from Outer Space on the flat-screen TVs located near the treadmills, ellipticals, and Lifecycle machines. If the flawed workout plan you concocted yourself results only in frighteningly muscular ring fingers, one of Anytime's motivating trainers can prescribe a regimen designed to help you meet your fitness goals during your three personal-training sessions included in your trial membership ($150). Complete the sculpting of your flesh-statue with an Apollo finish with one month of unlimited tanning ($40), and then purify yourself of sweat and fried-cheese memories in Anytime's private showers.
Anytime Fitness's open schedule makes sure you have no excuses not to get in shape—unlike its competitor, Nevertime Fitness, which only opens its single Barrow, Alaska, location during solar eclipses. For extra motivation, buy multiple Groupons for any fit friends who motivate you to work out—or will at least be there to dab your brow with a towel and whisper subtle compliments in your sweaty ear.