While a horse's teeth tell a trained eye everything about the animal, a human's teeth refuse to tell dentists anything without a lawyer present. Get to the root of the matter with today's Groupon: for $89, you get a dental exam, cleaning, and x-rays from Aparna Subramanian, DDS (a $350 value).

Aparna Subramanian, DDS, keeps impeccable ivories from turning into tarnished teeth by doling out comprehensive and preventative care. Settling into the facility's soothing earth-toned environs, patients put forth smile bones for an exam and cleaning that scours teeth, gums, and tissue for periodontal problems and gently scrapes away excess plaque, tartar, and expired coupons. A thorough combing of each patient's medical history informs Dr. Subramanian of past oral-health offenders, who are then rooted out of their enamel fortresses with the panoramic gaze of a digital x-ray, which results in minimal radiation exposure. Tips on molar maintenance and dietary directives cap off the tusk-toning treatment, readying patients to return to the world and its all-you-can-eat toffee buffets.

Dedicated to the enduring sustainability of smiles and the ecosystem, the office adheres to green-minded practices, including using recycled paper products, using biodegradable sterilization solutions, and making sure each patient's mouth is tightly closed when not in use. Complimentary hot tea awaits to pacify chatter-prone chompers, and warm towels, neck pillows, and blankets help prevent below-the-neck parts from growing jealous of the mouth-based mollycoddling.