Hair is like detailed knowledge of X-Files plotlines—while extremely useful, revealing too much of it in the wrong place can sink your social life. Today’s Groupon abducts rogue hairs with technology invented by a shadowy group of elites known only as the Syndicate: for $175, you get three laser hair-removal treatments at The Maas Clinic in Pacific Heights, up to a $478 value. Up to two Groupons may be paired together for a total of six treatments, which is the recommended number for optimal results. Customers must be at least 18 years old, and appointments must be made 14 days in advance, just like when chartering an intergalactic vessel.

At The Maas Clinic, visitors can acquire smooth and hairless skin without time-consuming maintenance or rubbing up against a sappy pine tree. The laser treatments can be applied to the lips, chin, underarms, bikini line, happy trail, ears, front and back of neck, shoulder tops, and sideburns. Also, a Brazilian or full shoulder treatment can be had for an additional $250. Treatments utilize the state-of-the-art Lumenis LightSheer laser to apply pulses of heat that damage hair follicles and hinder their ability to re-grow, while using contact-cooling technology to keep skin tear-free.

Just like hang-gliding too close to the sun, multiple sessions are needed to permanently remove hair—four to six treatments are recommended. During each futuristic deforestation, patients can relax knowing they’re in the capable hands of an experienced staff led by the talented Dr. Corey S. Maas and Dr. Shahin Javaheri. An equally inviting atmosphere and soothing ambience, featuring sleek décor doused in soft white tones, will put stubborn hairs at ease, making them easier to vaporize. Laser hair-removal treatment may not be painless, but it’s less painful than laser hair addition. Avoid cumbersome hair-removal methods of bygone years such as waxing, tarring, tweezing, leeching, and voodoo hair vexing with the cutting-edge laser technology at The Maas Clinic.

Reviews

Appearance Care Center, an expansion of The Maas Clinic, has received five-star reviews from Citysearchers, and Dr. Mass has a great deal of press on his website. Here’s what people are saying: > * This place stands out for two reasons: 1) the valuable knowledge of the staff; and 2) the great results. – sfangie, Citysearch > * The staff is absolutly [sic] warm and friendly. They always accomodate [sic] my schedule and make me feel comfortable. – sharira, Citysearch