Without the loosening effects of massage, shoulders would stiffen into immobility and fall victim to freeloading parrots and the burden of carrying Earth's heavyset brother, Girth. Pamper your perches with today's Groupon: for $45, you get a 60-minute deep tissue massage from Brett Evans, LMT (a $90 value).
Licensed wellness virtuoso Brett Evans helms an arsenal of rubdown techniques to rejuvenate tense muscles and weary minds. After a pretreatment consultation divulges patients' general health history, body aches, and childhood phobias, clients slip onto a cozy massage table for a 60-minute sigh-inducing rubdown. During the massage, the specialist will unleash a series of pressurized strokes and plunging kneads, sending localized waves of tension-melting relaxation throughout pain-riddled areas. After the soothing session, clients can revel in decreased anxiety and may experienced enhanced sleep and a level of concentration rivaled only by a focused can of grape juice.