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A session with teeth-whitening pioneers BriteSmile usually costs about $600. If you wait for a sale, you might only pay $350, or $300 once in a candied yam. Today we’re pleased to bring back one of our most popular deals: teeth whitening for only $185. That’s 69% off! We know $185 is wad of money consisting of 180 one-dollar bills and 1,000 nickels, but for what you’re getting, nothing comes close. If you frequently break out into frequent unsightly night-haunties, get today’s Groupon (good at BriteSmile’s Denver Center location and save hundreds of dollars.
BriteSmile’s patented stain-busting technique involves UV technology and fancy lamps that shine gentle blue light all over your teeth to whiten them. As the BriteSmilers work, you can sleep, watch TV, or braid your hair with salad tongs. When the hour is up, your teeth will be in factory-new condition—customers have seen their teeth get 14 shades lighter. Dazzle your boss, significant other(s), prospective job interviewers, and anyone else you want to impress with your BriteSmile smile. Already had your teeth whitened? Email friends who need to keep their smile looking good for professional reasons (salespeople, politicians, Marlboro spokespeople, teeth models, etc.) so that they can take advantage of the offer and move up The Corporate Ladder.
Aside from the obvious benefits of teeth whitening—professional advancement, increased sex appeal, whiter teeth, etc.—are lesser-known practical advantages. For instance, if you and your partner each get a treatment, you’ll not only look better for each other, but you can use each other’s teeth as mirrors when you need to comb your eyebrows on the go. If you ever lose a post-whitened tooth, you can find an African ivory poacher and trade it for gold. This Groupon also makes an excellent gift for a loved one with disgusting teeth. If you’ve been slacking on maintaining your basset hound’s dental hygiene, make up for it by giving him the gift of teeth whitening: he’ll be obliviously happy anyway, and you can attribute their joy to your generosity.
Don’t be fooled by the laser-whitening treatments you see listed for $199—they won’t get your teeth nearly as white as BriteSmile (BriteSmile’s whitens an average of eight shades or more), nor will they last as long (six months vs. BriteSmile’s one to two years). Those are scams run by evil doctors who live for the thrill of shooting unsuspecting patients in the mouth with real lasers.
The March of Technology
Teeth whitening is just one of the many reminders of technology’s enormous power to transform our world. Do you remember what life was like before these remarkable inventions?
- Firetruck Reddening
- Pasteurized Adjectives
- Hamstered Dances
- Carphones for your pants
- Flame-retardant babies
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