Getting in shape, much like speed-reading Russian literature, requires concentration and the strength to forge ahead through painful, protracted inner monologues. Forge ahead toward fitness with today’s Groupon: for $99, you get an HCG weight-loss program at Brookside Wellness Center (a $199 value).
Through exclusively natural and nondrug methodology, Brookside Wellness Center helps women eliminate unwanted flab via the human chorionic gonadotropin diet (HCG), vaporizing an average of one to two pounds a day while following a strict eating regimen. According to results determined by a pre-diet evaluation, clients place seven to ten HCG drops under the tongue three times a day for four to six weeks while consuming exactly 500 calories every day. Created naturally by the human body, HCG commands the hypothalamus to release pockets of fat into the bloodstream where they are burned for energy, resulting in mass reduction from the abdomen, thighs, hips, back, and antlers. The free-floating lipids plus up to a gallon of daily water consumption produce the required energy levels for normal daily activities, including routine exercise.
Specific protocol must be followed closely, including a preliminary two-day, high-fat intake period and the relinquishment of certain kinds of deodorant and makeup over the length of the dieting period. Possible HCG side effects and allergy considerations should be reviewed on the patient application form, which can also be used as a scratch pad for designing new uses for obsolete VHS tapes.