Hair is like detailed knowledge of X-Files plotlines—while extremely useful, revealing too much of it in the wrong place can sink your social life. Abduct rogue hairs with technology invented by a shadowy group of elites known only as the Syndicate with today's Groupon: for $99, you get three laser hair-removal sessions at Cheryl's Hair Removal Center in Buffalo Laser Spa in Williamsville (up to a $900 value).

Specializing in noninvasive medical treatments, Buffalo Laser Spa's knowledgeable staff exiles unwanted body foliage through the use of advanced laser technology. Depending on the client's hair and skin type, a trained technician will choose a laser of the appropriate wavelength to teleport hundreds of hairs to a place where they'll never be seen again, such as a 1988 Three Men and a Baby calendar. Laser hair removal can be applied with minimal discomfort to various facial zones, such as the sideburns ($499), cheeks ($900), chin ($299), and lip ($299), or along body areas such as the underarms ($499/both), feet and toes ($600), and bikini line ($489) for a sleek, beach-ready meatsuit. A series of three treatments produces more thorough, gradual bristle banishment, with each session generally taking fewer than 15 minutes so smooth seekers can quickly resume their day-to-day activities.