What You'll Get
Humans maintain their bodies for the same reasons they maintain their houses: to keep the neighbors friendly and to disguise the fact that an alien lives inside them. Enhance your flesh fortress with today's Groupon: for $139, you get two LipoLaser sessions at Central Valley Laser Center in Roseville (a $666 value).
Central Valley Laser Center's certified technicians reduce patients' fat stores as they deploy the noninvasive cold light of a Lapex BCS LipoLaser directly to the skin. During each 30- to 40-minute treatment, a LipoLaser spurs greedy fat cells to release their grip on water, glycerol, free fatty acids, and amoebic Cracker Jack prizes, resulting in a diminishment of their size. During a standard waistline session, the LipoLaser can liquefy up to 40–60 grams of fat, which is then processed via the body's natural systems. LipoLaser treatment is also said to diminish the appearance of cellulite and stretch marks. Although a single session can yield measurable results, a standard treatment protocol consists of three sessions per week across three weeks, much like the normal regimen for memorizing the Gettysburg Address in pig Latin.
The Fine Print
Promotional value expires May 5, 2012. Amount paid never expires. Limit 2 per person, may buy 2 additional as gifts. Limit 1 per visit. 24hr cancellation notice required or fee up to Groupon price may apply. Must be 18 or older. Not valid for pregnant or nursing women, cancer patients, implanted medical device users, or epileptics. Valid only at Roseville location. Sessions are non-transferable. Merchant is solely responsible to purchasers for the care and quality of the advertised goods and services.
About Central Valley Laser Center
The laser technicians at Central Valley Laser Center help slenderize patients with the Lipo-Light laser. During the headlining treatment, patients don light- and heat-emitting pads on problem areas. The laser prompts the fat cells to release their contents for later removal through the lymphatic system—a process that can be expedited through light exercise or speed walking away from the center’s pet grizzly bear. In addition to contouring physiques, the treatment can help diminish the appearance of cellulite.