Earl Fitzroy Crisperton, a chronic vacationer and known deliverer of spiels, preached, “If you can’t tan from the heat, get out of the kitchen.” Abandon your stove hovering and hit the indoor sun box with today’s Groupon. For $19, you get one month of unlimited tans (a $40 value) at Coral Reef Tanning, located adjacent to Meredith College.

A new tanning salon in the Raleigh area, Coral Reef Tanning provides a welcoming atmosphere where visitors can darken their pelts for hunting season and acquire an alluring shine for fishing season. The helpful melanin-manipulating experts at Coral Reef help customers assess their skin types and provide instruction on how to maximize each tan without leaving the Earth’s atmosphere. One month of unlimited tanning includes the use of a traditional low-pressure bed, a high-pressure stand-up booth, and a powerful anti-gravity bubble chamber that harnesses the lava power of Mount Vesuvius. Low-pressure beds allow tanners to relax in a cocoon of brilliance, while high-pressure booths deliver deeper tanning in a quick and convenient stand-up scenario. The skin designers at Coral Reef will help you choose the best method to achieve your desired results. Additionally, body-bacon broilers will enjoy a convenient location that’s near Raleigh’s colleges and spontaneously accumulating crowds of pasty-skinned admirers.

Earlier, technologically inferior societies valued powdery paleness and wish-granting leeches. However, it is no secret that a smooth tan waiting to show itself off beneath a suit of armor is the modern mark of refinement. Impress coworkers and the honorable knight that guards the lobby at work with today’s Groupon.