Household grime, if left unchecked, will inevitably develop into miniature civilizations whose complex network of treaties erupts into a devastating house-wide reenactment of World War I. Today’s Groupon spares you the trouble of tripping over tiny trenches: for $55, you get a two-hour house-cleaning session (a $120 value) from Desperate Housemaids. You can also purchase a third hour of cleaning at a 50% discount. See the sidebar for a list of cities to which the cleaners will go gunning for grime.
The official cleaning company behind Kim's Rude Awakenings, Desperate Housemaids uses environmentally-friendly techniques to encourage homes to sparkle at their shiniest. Although cleaning often results in the antiseptic scent of bleach and artificial pine, the Desperate Housemaids team uses natural products that won't harm your family, your pets, your family's family of pets, your pet family, or the environment. These gentle yet effective products, alongside technologically advanced tools such as nanotech microfiber cleaning cloths and a vapour cleaning system, will get your surfaces sparkly clean without damaging your furniture finishes or utility surfaces. Your expert housekeepers will dust, spray, scrub, wipe, scrub, wipe, mop, and sweep your floors, surfaces, baseboards, and more. They'll clean the encrusted Lean Cuisine from your microwave and fetch the browning banana from your sock drawer. They'll even slap and wash dirty nooks you'd never dream of cleaning.
The reliable, professional staff at Desperate Housemaids proves worthy enough to clean up the mega-messes that make it on to TV, meaning that your mess, just a nobody in a sea of star-hopeful storms, will benefit fully from their expert cleansing practices. They typically cover 800–1,000 square feet in one hour.
Official cleaners of the television show Kim's Rude Awakenings, Desperate Housemaids' crew of bonded, insured, and background-checked dirt destroyers neatens domiciles during eco-friendly house calls. In addition to the environmentally responsible vapour cleaning system, the crew wields HEPA filter vacuums and Nanotech microfibre cloth to whisk away grime while allowing time to choreograph mop-human slow-dance routines. With an aim at altruism, the company participates in Cleaning for a Reason, which grants home cleanings to cancer patients free of charge.