Without teeth, tongues would slither out of mouths and go on to lead unfulfilling lives catching raindrops and licking strangers' faces. Keep a stir-crazy taste-muscle contained in a gleaming cage with today's Groupon: for $59, you get an exam, a teeth cleaning, and x-rays (a $134 value) at The Downtown Dental Group. Groupon holders also get $100 off a teeth whitening treatment of their choice.

Dr. Michael Costello leads his team of dentists and hygienists in the war against oral disrepair from two clean, welcoming bases of operations. Your tooth-technicians will begin with a radiograph that examines your whole mouth-cavern for signs of tumors, tommyknockers, and trapped miners. They’ll also scan your molar mountainscape with a DIAGNOdent laser cavity-detection instrument to pinpoint any developing divots in your dentata that have been stockpiling food particles for tomorrow's lunch. As Dr. Costello and company scrub and scrape your tusks clean, you’ll be free to watch the TV above the chair and speak mostly in vowels.

Once the last clot of plaque has been evicted from the premises, you’ll have the option of keeping your pearly gates heaven-hued with $100 off of either of The Downtown Dental Group’s two whitening treatments. The chair-side bleaching uses an oxidizing gel for immediate results ($657). Home bleaching with a custom night-guard tray, on the other hand, will achieve results in one to two weeks ($451), which is still faster than the federally mandated waiting period for wish fulfillment from fairy godmothers.