Yellow teeth indicate an addiction to smoking cigarettes, drinking coffee, or swishing with butter. I can't believe it's not toothpaste with today's Groupon: for $149, you get a teeth-whitening treatment, 60–90 minutes, with Dr. Rosvall at the American Fork Dental Center (a $400 value).

American Fork Dental Center’s Dr. Rosvall brings mouths back from the brink of the dark side with smile-saving whitening procedures. At the beginning of each session, Dr. Rosvall consults with each patient, discussing the procedure’s parameters, expected whitening results, and the Tooth Fairy’s current exchange rates. Tarnished teeth bathe in a bleaching substance calibrated to break up stains, fade discoloration, and jolt amnesiac teeth back to their pearly old selves. Patients relax throughout the bicuspid-brightening process, plotting their new smile’s debut from the cushiony arms of the office’s exam chairs. After the procedure, Dr. Rosvall sends glowing grins home with a set of bleaching trays and gel that aid in future touch-ups and give an air of authenticity to basement replicas of a dentist’s office.