In the manner of pythons, overwrought muscles will spitefully squeeze the life from unwary limbs and use the shattered bone shards as props for absurd comedy sketches. Charm serpentine sinew performing screwball vaudeville with today’s Groupon: for $35, you get a 60-minute Swedish, hot-stone, myofascial-release, or pregnancy massage from Violet Middaugh at Feel the Knead (a $70 value).
Violet Middaugh, an independent massage therapist, specializes in simmering sinew with a selection of soothing services tailored to each client. Muscle tissue will gelatinize like lutefisk when undergoing the sweeping strokes of a Swedish massage, and tuckered out tendons will sigh in relief as strategically placed basalt orbs bake away stress during a hot-stone massage. Alternately, the myofascial-release massage lengthens muscles and interwoven connective tissue to subdue stiff limbs, relieve stress, and prepare clients for strenuous supporting roles in Play-Dough: The Movie. Violet is also certified to administer pregnancy massages.