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The close of the decade is nearly upon us. We’ve had a good run so far: three different iPod sizes, an increased awareness of gluten allergies, and the diplomatic quelling of the cetacean suffrage movement. But don’t crack that champagne bag open just yet—there’s still time to mess everything up. Make your last good decision of 2009 by purchasing the Groupon Says 2010 Desk Calendar at cost for $8. Usually, Groupons offer products and services for a dramatic percentage off, but since we have no idea what the actual value of this Groupon is, and estimate it at between $28 million and $0, the safest route seems to be giving it away for what it costs us to pay our legion of dryad scriveners to hand-ink one. Shipping to anywhere within the United States (including current and future colonies) is included.
Each day, Groupon runs a different deal in a different city, showcasing the best luxuries, meals, and adventures that city has to offer. But you may have noticed that at the bottom of each deal, a reservedly blinged-out cat sitting on a cloud of pure wisdom is using that deal as a starting point for Groupon’s real value: a daily lesson about our mysterious world. These humorous columns can all be seen for free, by scrolling through Groupon-featured cities or by subscribing to the @Groupon_Says Twitter feed, but today you have a rare opportunity to pay for them. The Groupon Says Desk Calendar is more than just Your Only Source For Knowing the Date®, it’s also the only page-a-day calendar that can provide you with:
- Conversation starters (and enders) for any awkward situation
- A guide to discerning football from its cousin, baseball
- A list of notable American dragons
- The differences between day spas and much more ominous “night spas”
- Frequent use of bullet-points
The wisdom in this calendar is vast and varied, containing everything from the effects of mountain climbing altitudes on the human mind, to the correct number of bundt cakes required to get back in your grandma’s good graces after the incident. We’re so excited about infiltrating people’s daily lives with our own brand of fanciful brain-poison that we’re selling these babies at cost, but each sale contributes moral support to our ongoing battle with Groupon’s most hated competitor Nopuorg, who does not have a day calendar (yet). If you’ve been looking to turn someone on to Groupon, or just need something on your desk to smash silverfish with, pick up a Groupon Says 2010 Desk Calendar and start the next decade on the right foot: the one in your brain.
The Groupon Says Desk Calendar includes one humorous selection for all 365 days of 2010, except for weekends when you’re too busy partying to care what day it is.
The authors of this calendar couldn’t get enough of the wit and wisdom contained within their own staggering creation: > * I can guarantee that this day calendar will make you laugh, and further guarantee that it’s the only page-a-day-calendar that features my birthday as a national holiday. – Sam. W., Chicago > * This is fantastic, our writing is finally available in a convenient handheld form suitable for hurling through windows. – Daniel K., Chicago > * Turning the pages of this calendar is eerily similar to petting a cat. – Aaron W., Chicago
Fast Fact: The pulp used in the paper for the Groupon Says Desk Calendar is 75% comprised of my freely given dander.
Follow @Groupon_Says on Twitter.