As nature's worst roommates, bodily toxins clutter up vital space, never pay rent, and never abide by the chore wheel that the liver painstakingly affixed to the gallbladder. Take out the trash with today's Groupon to Healing Waters. Choose from the following options:
- For $32, you get one colon-hydrotherapy treatment (a $65 value).
- For $49, you get one colon-hydrotherapy treatment and one 30-minute infrared sauna session (a $105 value).
- For $69, you get one colon-hydrotherapy treatment, one 30-minute infrared sauna session, and an ionic BioCleanse footbath (a $145 value).
Led by certified colon hydrotherapist Bernadine Tillman, the meticulous staff at Healing Waters helps evict toxins from clients' corporal kingdoms after complimentary consultations. During the hydrotherapy session, a pencil-sized tube sends purified water traversing through the belly's inner tubes for up to 40 minutes, carrying away toxins incurred from diet, the environment, and mistaking a plutonium rod for the olympic torch. A fan minimizes the chance that odors disturb clients as they recline and listen to soft music or meditate by candlelight.
The infrared sauna lulls muscles into a restorative trance, helping relieve pain and draw toxin-laden sweat from deep tissues. Temperatures between 100–140 degrees can help the body increase circulation and burn up to 600 calories, quelling subdermal cellulite sit-ins without the need for a water cannon.
Escort toxins out through an underutilized exit point with a BioCleanse footbath, which uses the principals of osmosis and threatening ionic bouncers to try and correct bodily imbalances. The ions in the footbath put a headlock on body-borne toxins, attempting to drag them into the bath through the pores of the feet.
Bernadine Birdsong was inspired to pursue her colon hydrotherapy certification out of a desire to rescue a friend's failing health. After the success of her healing efforts, Bernadine expanded her business to encompass other cleansing technologies as well as body-sculpting services. Supplementing the detoxification work of hydrotherapy's ionized, antioxidant, liquid water, the BioCleanse foot bath pulls toxins out through the soles, and an infrared sauna promotes purification through sweating. Body-sculpting treatments draw upon the noninvasive Lipo-Ex, which shrinks fat cells with radio waves, and the VibaBody Slimmer, whose rollicking platform stimulates muscles and trains Elvis impersonators.