What You'll Get
While it doesn’t provide the discomfort and high ticket prices associated with an airport pat-down, a massage is still an effective tool for discovering concealed knives and small firearms. Prove you’re not packing in the most relaxing way with today’s Groupon. For $49, you get a 90-minute muscle-melting massage at Hermosa Massage (a $100 value). Hermosa’s studio is centrally located in Nob Hill on the corner of Hermosa and Silver.
Owner and handmaster Lauri Norton has specialized in treating pain with medical massage techniques and Chinese meridian therapy since 1984. As such, Hermosa’s massages dig deeper than just simple relaxation in order to address traumatic injury, as well as chronic pain caused by physical exertion, an unbalanced posture, and attacks by ghosts of heavyweight boxers. With today’s 90-minute massage, you can choose from the following massage styles:
- Cranio-sacral therapy uses a soft, palpating touch to evaluate and improve the functioning of one’s membranes and cerebrospinal fluid—resulting in a sharper nervous system, relaxed muscles, and released mental and emotional trauma. Recommended for kids and parrots with overly cynical outlooks on life.
- Polarity therapy is more energy-based, removing blockages between mind and body in order to balance one’s electromagnetic patterns. Besides feeling good, it increases the body’s ability to heal.
- Deep-tissue massage uses slow strokes and deep finger pressure to release chronic sources of tension and stress that have buried themselves like balrogs in the deeps of your muscles.
- Neuromuscular therapy returns circulation to contracted, cold, and oxygen-starved areas of the body by deeply penetrating nerve tissues—releasing the “trigger points” that build up near damaged nerve fibers.
- Myofascial therapy treats the points where nerves enter the muscles to eliminate chronic pain, then stretches those areas to prevent a relapse.
- Swedish massage, one of the most popular and widely practiced massages, reduces stress, lowers blood pressure, nourishes cells, and improves circulation. A good all-around cure.
- Pregnancy massage alleviates much of the stress and discomfort of having a tiny person living inside you who is constantly holding your pancreas hostage in exchange for nourishment. Men should not get this massage, as it will invariably make them pregnant.
Although you get to pick the style, Hermosa Massage customizes all massages to treat your specific tissue issues until the tension and stress is carried off your body like a poorly wrapped toga on a windy day.
Pamper your most important personal asset with today’s Groupon to Hermosa Massage, and discover how a rubberized back can benefit you in the next neighborly game of laxative limbo. Call ahead to make your appointment, or blast monogrammed flares into the sky to signal your impending arrival.
CitySpur staffers rank Hermosa Massage as the number-six spa in Albuquerque.
The Fine Print
Promotional value expires Oct 27, 2010. Amount paid never expires. Limit 1 per person, may purchase multiple as gifts. Tax included. Gratuity not included. By appointment only. Merchant is solely responsible to purchasers for the care and quality of the advertised goods and services.