A grocery store is like a carnival midway—it offers shelves and shelves of goodies that only become available after lobbing baseballs at stacks of bottles. Today's Groupon bypasses carnie cons by bringing the food to you: for $49, you get $100 worth of all-natural and portion-controlled meats, poultry, seafood, and dinner entrees from Horizon Foods. Shipping and handling may apply to areas outside of Colorado Springs.
Since 1979, Horizon Foods has been delivering flash-frozen and pre-portioned dinner entrees directly to front doors, window stoops, and pneumatic hover decks. Each item arrives fully prepped to heat and eat, individually wrapped, and fully trimmed and de-boned as needed. Select from proteins such as antibiotic-free chicken fingers ($79.99 for 48 2-oz. portions), divers scallops ($116.99 for 36 2-oz. portions), and buffalo burgers ($99.99 for 20 5-oz. portions) for grilling, searing, or using as an aesthetic metaphor in a diorama about 19th-century westward expansion. Pre-rolled, pre-cut, and pre-stuffed eggplant rolatini ($99.99 for 24 3.5-oz. portions) makes a palatable, pre-sized main dish for herbivores and herbivoyeurs alike. Complete portion-by-portion nutritional info is provided with each item, which lets hunger-havers avoid the time-consuming process of converting pounds into kilograms and then back into pounds.
Horizon Foods makes eating right a simple process for overworked warlocks and swamped swamis alike. Without the distressing pull of grocery aisles full of brightly colored packages, and freed from the mind-bending puzzles on the backs of cereal boxes, individual brain power can focus once again on the important facets of life, like deciphering the silent signals of charade tournaments.