A grocery store is like a carnival midway—it offers shelves and shelves of goodies that only become available after lobbing baseballs at stacks of bottles. Today's Groupon bypasses carnie cons by bringing the food to you: for $49, you get $100 worth of all-natural and portion-controlled meats, poultry, seafood, and dinner entrees from Horizon Foods. Shipping and handling may apply to areas outside of Philadelphia and its surrounding counties.
Since 1979, Horizon Foods has been delivering flash-frozen and pre-portioned dinner entrees directly to front doors, window stoops, and pneumatic hover decks. Each item arrives fully prepped to heat and eat, individually wrapped, and fully trimmed and de-boned as needed. Select from proteins such as antibiotic-free chicken fingers ($76 for 48 2-oz. portions), divers scallops ($99 for 36 2-oz. portions), and buffalo burgers ($89 for 20 5-oz. portions) for grilling, searing, or using as an aesthetic metaphor in a diorama about 19th-century westward expansion. Pre-rolled, pre-cut, and pre-stuffed eggplant rolatini ($84 for 24 3.5-oz. portions) makes a palatable, pre-sized main dish for herbivores and herbivoyeurs alike. Complete portion-by-portion nutritional info is provided with each item, which lets hunger-havers avoid the time-consuming process of converting pounds into kilograms and then back into pounds.
Horizon Foods makes eating right a simple process for overworked warlocks and swamped swamis alike. Without the distressing pull of grocery aisles full of brightly colored packages, and freed from the mind-bending puzzles on the backs of cereal boxes, individual brain power can focus once again on the important facets of life, like deciphering the silent signals of charade tournaments.
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