Yellow teeth indicate an addiction to smoking cigarettes, drinking coffee, or swishing with butter. I can't believe it's not toothpaste with today's Groupon: for $149, you get a dental-care and whitening package at Hylan Dental Arts in Staten Island (a $850 value). The package includes:

• Zoom! teeth whitening (a $650 value)
• Oral exam (a $100 value)
• Panoramic x-rays (a $100 value)
  
  

Hylan Dental Arts utilizes state-of-the-art equipment to render each tooth into a pearly white masterpiece. Lasting approximately one hour in length, the in-office Zoom! teeth-whitening treatment leaves only the teeth exposed as a technician applies a whitening gel, which works with a specially-designed light to dissolve discoloration, stains, and avant-garde poetry that the tongue wrote on the backs of teeth. The patient has the option to split the treatment into two sessions if they experience any mild discomfort from the light during one of the whitening applications. To supplement the teeth whitening, an oral exam provides a conclusive view of the mouth's overall health. In addition, an array of panoramic x-rays employ a multimotorized-rotation technique to result in highly accurate x-ray images and less accurate CGI images of the dentist stopping an alien invasion.