Prior to dentists, humans were forced to shine their own teeth with fleets of flea-driven miniature Zambonis. Let someone else take the wheel of your teeth with today's Groupon. For $99, you get a comprehensive dental examination ($94), cleaning ($74), x-rays ($49), and an Oral-B sonic toothbrush (up to $25) from Joshua Austin, DDS, an American Dental Association–accredited practitioner (up to a $242 total value). Always a professional, Dr. Austin will not serenade patients with a soul-stirring rendition of "Three Blind Mice," despite constant entreaties.

Dr. Austin's spa-like office, located on the Anderson loop, features original artwork and comfortable chairs, ensuring patients and their teeth chill out and let go of pent-up anxiety and spinach. Former dental-school class president and licensed accolade-collector Dr. Austin will peer deep into your mouth and soul for signs of trouble, take pictures of your teeth for his office's yearbook, and address any concerns, pains, or existential ennui before degunking your charming chompers. Instead of a lollipop, Austin will send you home with a sonic toothbrush so you can fill your evenings with the beelike buzz of a cleansing mouth-bone massage.

A cleaning, exam, and x-rays pack more of a healthful wallop than a bucket of free-range, grass-fed mung-bean sprouts, especially if your idea of a daily brushing is a mouthful of sand with hot hosewater from a Super Soaker. Call ahead to make your appointment and declare today permanent creepy smile day.

Because today's Groupon is for routine dental work, restrictions may apply to patients with periodontal disease.

Reviews

Dr. Joshua Austin was featured on Dental Products Report as a Dentist You Should Know. Facebook fans are impressed:

• Dr. Austin is by far the best dentist I have ever been to. I have had my teeth whitened, cleaned, and a crown done by Dr. Austin. He is courteous and professional. He was able to get the work done and did not cause me any pain during the process. I drove all the way from Dallas to San Antonio just to have the work done by Dr. Austin. – K. Methenitis, Facebook
• Beautiful office, awesome staff, great coffee and great dentist! – H. Yanez, Facebook