Today's Groupon is perfect for people who love a good massage but hate how, unlike pie, they can't take any of it home with them. For $39, you get a one-hour therapeutic massage (a $70 value) plus one Warm Hugs corn pillow ($8) at Keep in Touch Massage. This Groupon can only be used at Keep In Touch's Uptown location, which employs a staff of 18 professionally trained massage therapists and operates seven massage rooms, making it a perfect rest stop for frazzled holiday shoppers and neighborhood girls weary from years of fending off Billy Joel.
Therapeutic massage is excellent for relieving stress, but it also kneads out other bugaboos such as high blood pressure, muscle tension, Maxwell's Demon, and Schrodinger's Cat. In the process, it improves your range of motion, boosts endorphins (the playful dolphins of the bloodstream), and improves blood circulation and lymph flow.
Speaking of corn, Keep in Touch will also throw in a small, warm harvest corn pillow from Warm Hugs to make sure that your freshly massaged muscles don't forget that feeling of total relaxation. Besides comprising 90 percent of what we eat, corn in pillow form is amazingly good at retaining heat or cold. When microwaved for a few minutes, a corn pillow will retain heat for hours, making it a much more energy-efficient way to wait out winter than cozying up under that ratty old electric blanket your grandmother left you when she hightailed it to Florida; it also provides fewer mild electrical shocks and smells less like Kirk Douglas.
One Yelper gives Keep in Touch Uptown four stars:
- I called on Sunday morning for an appointment and they were able to accommodate me that day, which was awesome... I thoroughly enjoyed it and would go back again. – Maureen C.
The heat-retaining Warm Hugs pillow that comes with today’s Groupon simulates the affectionate embrace of a loved one. Here are some ways to simulate other interactions you might be missing:
- The high-five of a best friend can be simulated with a rubber glove filled with marbles that you’ve named Danny.
- A hug from Dad can be simulated by pasting a photo on the hat tree.
- A substitute for a goodnight kiss is an hour and forty-five minutes in front of a mirror wondering why your face looks like it does.
- Simulate getting into medical school by getting into dental school.
- The love and friendship of your previous dog cannot be simulated by a new dog! IT CANNOT BE SIMULATED!
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