Though future archaeologists will mock our hubristic, civilization-ending plan to turn the Great Lakes into reservoirs of coffee, they will be impressed with how bright our teeth remained. Solidify our iridescent legacy with today's Groupon: for $199, you get a consultation, a Zoom! teeth-whitening treatment, and a take-home whitening kit from Kenneth M. Comer, DDS (a $721 value).

Dr. Comer, who has helped perfect smiles since 1985, masterfully assists patients working toward their dental and cosmetic goals. Following a 30-minute in-office consultation and jitterbug competition, the Zoom! whitening treatment returns colorized chompers to their natural pearlescent state using a combination of hydrogen peroxide and a signature Zoom! lamp (a $500 value). The low-sensitivity procedure can improve bicuspids up to eight shades. Dr. Comer's skilled staff sweeps away discoloration in less than an hour, allowing oxygen to enter tooth enamel and joyfully whitewash over tiny graffiti left by late-night tooth-fairy parties. Afterward, a take-home kit (a $99 value) packs Flouridex toothpaste (a $22 value) and a Zoom! whitening pen (a $100 value) to help maintain results. Bicuspid-burnishers between the ages of 16 and 18 can undergo the treatment with parental consent.

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