Without teeth, tongues would slither out of mouths and go on to lead unfulfilling lives catching raindrops and licking strangers' faces. Keep a stir-crazy taste muscle contained in a gleaming cage with today's Groupon to Kirk Fishbaugh Dentistry on Tulip Lane. Choose between the following options:

• For $59, you get a new patient exam, teeth cleaning, and x-rays (a $237 value).
• For $39, you get an at-home teeth-whitening system (a $260 value).

Dr. Kirk Fishbaugh and his team of deft dental docents combat teeth foes while exuding compassion in a comfortable setting. Skill-honed hygienists meticulously scrub customers' choppers, eradicating pesky plaque, tenacious tartar, and squatting Tooth Fairies. Dr. Fishbaugh will scour clients' primary head-holes, utilizing digital x-rays and intraoral cameras in search of cavities, tooth decay, malformed roots, and signs of oral cancer and gum disease. Clients can even tune in to their favorite cable television shows about cat beauty pageants while sitting in the treatment rooms.

Customers who opt for the at-home teeth-whitening system will receive bleach-holding mouth guards molded specifically to their jaws. These teeth-whitening trays utilize the bleaching gel carbamide peroxide and can restore chompers back to pearly white status. Squealing sweet teeth and mouth bones stained from secondary use as writing implements can rest assured they're in good hands, as Dr. Fishbaugh is a member of both the American Dental Association and the Wisconsin Dental Association.