Household grime, if left unchecked, will inevitably develop into miniature civilizations whose complex network of treaties erupts into a devastating house-wide reenactment of World War I. Today’s Groupon will spare you and your family from having to trip over a lot of tiny trenches. For $35, you get a basic home-cleaning service from Kristy’s Affordable House Cleaning, up to a $90 value. An average additional charge of $10 may apply for extremely dirty rooms, like a pet elephant’s quarters or Howard Hughes’s bedroom. This Groupon is valid for participating areas, which include Nashville, Brentwood, Mt. Juliet, Hermitage, East Nashville, Bellevue, and Donelson.

Thanks to 20 years of housecleaning experience, Kristy’s is acquainted with purging hundreds of dirt and grime species—many of which are only found deep within laundry-hamper jungles—using dirt-blasting supplies and masterful strokes that combine traditional squeegee techniques and tai chi. Households receiving the basic cleaning service can tidy two bedrooms, two bathrooms, one living room, and one kitchen. Kristy's expert cleaners will dust bedrooms and living rooms before cleaning the floors. They'll then dish out the same treatment to the shower, sink, toilet, and floor in the bathroom, as well as the counters, sinks, dishes, appliance exteriors, and floors in the kitchen. And if they hear any cursing from your foyer, gazebo, or oubliette, they'll wash their mouths out with soap, too.

Kristy’s Affordable House Cleaning is a licensed, bonded, and insured business that guarantees its work, unlike your con-man uncle, Slippery Pete, and his fleet of door-to-door bowling-shoe salesmen. With this deal, customers will be able to finally unclog littered doorways and uncover their countertops’ original surface without having to arrange an archaeological excavation. Call ahead to schedule your appointment.