The silent march of time was once thought to be unavoidable, but scientific breakthroughs now allow people to moonwalk backward into youth. Traverse in the right direction with today's Groupon: for $99, you get an anti-aging hormone panel at Lab Test Florida’s locations in Fort Lauderdale, Miami, and North Miami Beach (a $266 value).
The technicians at Lab Test Florida help men and women combat bodily aging by revealing their current hormonal status with a simple blood test. After drawing one vial of sanguine fluid from the arm, the trained tech labels the tube and sends it to the certified laboratory via sterile carrier pigeon. The anti-aging hormone panel looks specifically at levels of the sex hormone estradiol, follicle-stimulating hormone (FSH), and luteinizing hormone (LH). Quantities of thyroid-stimulating hormone inform the lab if the thyroid is sleeping on the job, while progesterone levels may affect vitality. Patients may collect results in about one week and use this newly gleaned information to build a custom-tailored attack against the aging process or to dictate their Powerball numbers.
The board-certified doctors, dieticians, and medical assistants at Last12Pounds shoo away stubborn weight with a signature regimen of tests, diet plans, and injections. After preliminary blood tests and physician consultations scrutinize patients’ health and saucy-merengue heartbeats, dieticians craft customized exercise and meal plans based upon individual tastes and nutritional needs. B12-vitamin elixirs aim to infuse dieters with extra energy, and doses of the hormone HCG boast an ability to make the hypothalamus burn stored fat and spur the metabolism. A final assessment and weigh-in rounds out each treatment to let patients admire their progress.