If comic books have taught us anything, it's that getting zapped with mysterious rays always gives you crime-fighting abilities—in this case, superhuman slimness. Let your body fulfill its dream of pummeling two-bit hoodlums with today's Groupon: for $799, you get six Zerona body-slimming laser treatments at Laser Hair Removal of Milford (a $2,195 value).

The skilled doctors at Laser Hair Removal slim and smooth patients with FDA-approved Zerona treatments. The service employs the stern authority of a noninvasive low-level laser to evict fat between the ribs and the knees without the need for surgical procedures or extended recovery time. The laser stealthily sneaks up on cells, causing them to jump with surprise and release their fatty content, which the body absorbs and expels via natural processes. Patients who get the recommended six treatments during two weeks lose an average of 3–4 inches of circumference from their hips, waist, and thighs, bringing them a little closer to the fun-size version of themselves. Each session lasts approximately 40 minutes, or just long enough to boycott the average reality-TV show.