A perfectly white smile determines how others perceive you by shining brightly enough to blind them to your second head and compound eyes. Let dazzling teeth disguise the effects of your mad science hobby with today’s Groupon: for $59, you get a take-home teeth whitening kit (a $450 value) from L'Esplanade Dental Centre in the heart of downtown.

Over the course of two weeks and four dental visits, custom-made trays, worn while sleeping, will significantly whiten and brighten your chompers. First, qualified dental assistants take impressions of your bite to form the custom trays. During the next visit, your current tooth shade is recorded— like your tax accountant's memoirs—for posterity, and the trays are tweaked and tailored to your mouth grate. After a few nights' sleep with the trays delivering a steady dose of whitening gel to your enamel, the dentist evaluates your progress and determines the estimated remaining bleaching time. In about two weeks of nightly treatment, your smile is examined and its new, blinding shade is heralded by sages.