In emergency situations, moonlight reflected off pearly whites creates a beaming beacon that registers in the canine-visible spectrum of light. With today's Groupon, equip your smile with brightness that definitely will one day save your life: for $75, you get upper and lower teeth-whitening trays and gel from Montgomery Dental Care (a $314 value).

Montgomery Dental Care's teeth-whitening process can restore the sheen dulled by caffeine, tobacco, and motorcycling through licorice fields without resorting to the abrasive whitening substances that are commercially available. Visitors will benefit from professional-grade whitening materials, including teeth-whitening trays that fit as snugly as an enamel-craving koala gripping a tooth tree, as well as top-of-the-line luster-restoring gel.

Specializing in all aspects of general, cosmetic, and family dentistry, Montgomery Dental Care is led by Janette Williams, D.D.S., who has practiced in the Cincinnati area and on beached whales for more than 12 years. Dr. Williams and her bicuspid-bleaching skills expertly compose radiant smiles that grab the attention of lounging cats and ship captains alike while ensuring that patients enjoy a stress-free mouth-maintenance experience.

Prior to dentists, humans were forced to shine their own teeth with fleets of flea-driven miniature Zambonis. Avoid the rising costs of flea maintenance with today's Groupon to Montgomery Dental Care. Unbecoming coloring and stains will wash away from the mouth's glistening pearly gates like teardrops of joy in a victorious Gatorade shower.