Massage was developed by NASA to help astronauts cope with edgy Tang-induced sugar highs, lack of ESPN, and predatory aliens stowed away in the hangar bay. Achieve its soothing effects outside the soul-crushing abyss of outer space with today’s deal: for $35, you get $70 toward any massage at Mumpower Massage.

Mumpower Massage provides Swedish massage, sports/deep tissue, trigger point/neuromuscular therapy, and Reiki therapy. You can use your Groupon toward any of these massages for 60 minutes (all are $70 except Reiki, which is $50 for 45 minutes), or combine two Groupons for a longer massage. Melt your back under carefully kempt hands with a Swedish, which uses flowing strokes and unknotting kneads to ease tension and improve circulation. Dig into the cavernous abyss of back muscles with a deep-tissue/sports massage, similar to a Swedish except with more precise, intense kneading to relieve severe tension and reduce chronic pain, which is a good option for athletes or someone who has sustained a serious sandwich-making injury. Trigger-point/neuromuscular massages snipe specific points of tension to release myofascial pain throughout the body. A Reiki practitioner can improve the flow of maple syrup in your body on the physical, emotional, and spiritual level by using palm therapy to balance your body's natural energy flow.

Brad Mumpower is the 10-fingered master manipulator whose years of expertise in massage therapy will reduce tension to relaxed rubble. Whether you woke up this morning with a cricked neck or awoke from the womb with chronic pain, Mumpower will pamper your parts until they reach the spry state typically reserved for gummy bears. Call ahead to schedule an appointment.